Last week, I visited my doctor for an annual checkup. Everything checked out and I was sent off to a lab for a blood sample to test for cholesterol and other routine shit. A couple days later, when I got the results in the mail, I was shocked (note that I’m not saying I was surprised) to find that my cholesterol was not in the greatest shape.

While my total cholesterol was only nine points over the norm and not artery-humping bad, the breakdown was not so good. My HDL, which is my “good” cholesterol, was significantly below optimal levels. LDL, the “bad” stuff was riding high at 146—well above optimal, which is 100 or lower. Bummer.

So, it looks like I should start amending th evils of my diet. Oatmeal for breakfast every day. Scale back on the chicken hearts and gizzards, the burgers and beer for brunch and all those lovely, saturated things. Someone suggested going vegetarian. my response was that I’d eat them (and their fucking children) before I’d commit to that soulless, viscera-absent, green plateau of broccoli-crunching boredom. Let me die with a mouthful of pork fat, that’s all I ask.

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