This is just fucking crazy. The Gorilla Foundation of San Mateo County, CA., home to Koko, the sign language speaking gorilla of international fame (whaddaya mean you’ve never heard of Koko? You are soooo out of the loop. Seriously, go home.) is being sued for more than 1 million in damages by two female former employees who claim they were pressured and outright ordered to expose their breasts to sate Koko’s nipple fetish.

“On at least two incidents in mid-to-late June 2004, Patterson intensely pressured Keller to expose herself to Koko while they were working outside where other employees could potentially view Keller’s naked body. … On one such occasion, Patterson said, ‘Koko, you see my nipples all the time. You are probably bored with my nipples. You need to see new nipples. I will turn my back so Kendra can show you her nipples.’”

Awesome? Daveb thinks so.

Of all the things that should be technically sad or at least respecfully solemn, yet cause daveb to bust out laughing, reading about the woman who killed her husband by giving him a massive sherry enema has got to rank somewhere in the top fifty. This is the first daveb has ever heard of people getting drunk by squirting booze up their ass, but hey, it’s the 21^st fucking century. Wi-fi, cloning, space stations, ass booze… it’s a whole new ball game.

Daveb feels fairly certain that within a week or two, ass booze will hit the clubs in NYC and soon everyone will be shifting sloppily on their bar stools. The phrase “bottoms up” will take on a whole new and more literal meaning, as will the term “not being able to hold one’s liquor”.

If you’ve been a regular reader of this website, you might have picked up that daveb is a violent, maniacal hater of unsolicited mail, be it paper or electronic. Spammers need their eyes gouged out by wombats. Scum of the earth. No one wants the crap they send out.

But wait, could it be that someone does want to receive junk mail? a lawsuit filed on behalf of inmates at a Washington state prison overturned a ban on unsolicited bulk mail, finding that “Publishers have a First Amendment right to communicate with prisoners by mail, and inmates have a First Amendment right to receive this mail.” Apparantly, the inmates looked forwrd to and enjoyed receiving their junk mail. Ass-rape and shanking people in the showers must get a little dull after a while, it seems. Daveb proposes incarcerating all the bulk mailers and spammers of the world along with these inmates. The spammers can send them tons of little junk mail love letters, while the inmates ass-rape and shank them in the showers. It’d be perfect.

Beyond bizarre. As if it was ripped from the script of a seedy gay porn film, the Pentagon disclosed a list of rejected chemical weapons. The imaginative, non-lethal chemicals caused some interesting and downright fucking weird results on it’s targets. Strangest being the plan for the development of an “aphrodisiac” chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other, causing all-out homosexual action among troops and would cause a “distasteful but completely non-lethal” blow to morale, so they say.

At this point you may be thinking, “Wait, WTF? Gay porn gas?!?!”

It’s true, kids. The thinking is that the soldiers would be too busy humping each other’s legs, admiring the camoflauge and hating the shoes to be shooting at anyone (at least shooting firearms).

Obviously the Pentagon missed a couple of ancient history lessons, namely the chapter concerning Sparta. The Spartans, in ancient Greece, encouraged homosexuality among their elite troops, having the not unreasonable belief that individuals would stick by and make all efforts to rescue other individuals if they were all up in that gay shit with them. The Spartan army were some tough motherfuckers (perhaps substitute “fatherfuckers”) and in between chopping heads and kicking ass, they were gay as shit. They were so badass, their name has come to mean “Rigorously self-disciplined or self-restrained.”

Other proposed chemical weapons included one that would attract swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats to troop positions, making them uninhabitable. Another was a chemical that would cause “severe and lasting halitosis”, making it easy to identify guerrillas trying to blend in with civilians. Lastly, there was an idea for a chemical to make troops’ skin unbearably sensitive to sunlight.

Daveb proposes they make the ultimate chemical weapon. A substance that makes sunlight painful, so that you can only bear the nighttime, where you compulsively ass-fuck gay rats with bad breath whilst being stung by wasps. Now that’d be a fucking weapon.

It takes some serious balls to make the arguements Charles Graner’s lawyer is making in his trial over Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse. Graner’s been charged as the ringleader of those fun and lovable soldiers resposible for the naked pyramids, hoods, the whole schpiel.

Yesterday, his lawyer laid the contention that the dog leashes and naked body pyramids were more akin to pyramids made by cheerleaders at sports events and parents putting tethers on toddlers.

Um…yeah, prison and interrogation is a loving, protective and nurturing sporting event complete with morale building exercises such as “wacky hood day” and “who’s balls are hooked to the car battery?”. Yeah.

It’s fucking hilarious. That lawyer either has testicles of fucking steel to try and fly that load of shit or inhales a little too much freon out of his refrigerator.

Illness can sneak up on you. A sniffle one day is pnuemonia the next. A headache can be an undetected brain tumor finally showing itself. It’s always the little things and you never can truly know whether a mysterious ache one day is just a passing thing or the sign of a serious problem.

What daveb cannot bring himself to understand is how someone could possibly miss the fact that they have a 66 pound tumor growing in their abdomen. You’d think they’d pick up that something was off, but no.

“Grace Radtke said she knew something was wrong, but had no idea it was a 66-pound tumor that was causing her pain. “I couldn’t believe it,” Radtke said. “It just floored me.“

Apparantly resembling a bloated fucking beach ball was no concern either. Having a tumor the size of three watermelons lodged under your ribs CANNOT look normal. The damn thing was so heavy, it took four men to lift it out and roll it onto a stretcher. Knowing America, it will soon be offered on Ebay, or better yet, someone will spot the face of the Virgin Mary on it and make a million fucking bucks.

Daveb dislikes teenagers. Correction, he hates them. Daveb was born a bitchy old man, such is his perfection. The self-absorbed petty drama crap of adolescents makes his skin crawl. It is unfortunate that for the survival of the human race, adolescence or even childhood must be tolerated. Perhaps in the future, a more enlightened society will learn to extend life indefinitely and do away with reproduction or at least decide to raise the young bastards on an island far away from the rest of the world. Unfortunately, for the time being, at least until he is made Dictator for Life, daveb must endure sharing this planet with the little fuckers. Over the years he has endeavored to keep himself far away from their annoying blather and bullshit for fear that he would snap and euthanize the whole lot of them. He’s done well with this. Except for the occasional subway ride from hell or run-in in the hallway of his building, his life is mostly youth-free and better because of it. Now, if he could only get rid of the elderly…

With the still relatively new world of blogging, daveb now finds that the insipid little fuckheads are back in his life. The internet is overflowing with the journals of the pimply-faced, retainer-wearing masses. Instead of hidden away under beds and in closets, their whiny, carbon copy bullshit complaints are everywhere. Read by no one, unfortunately stumbled upon by far too many an errant search result. Instead of only having their parents and peers to listen to their pathetic pleas of individuality, they’ve vomited it for the whole world to see.

Now along comes a blog kept by a sixteen year old girl who has been arrested for murdering her mother with the help of two twenty-something knuckleheads.
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Yet further evidence that in the south, there’s something in the water that makes most people pretty fucking retarded, a school in Texas recently and publicly scrapped it’s annual cross dressing day in favor of a more beef jerky chewing, hetero “camouflage day”.

TWIRP day (The Woman Is Requested To Pay) had been an annual ritual for several years where the boys and girls of the school would switch clothing roles with girls dressing as boys and the boys being girls. Everything was hunky-dorey until this year when a Christian group complained loudly that the practice would promote homosexuality. In response, the school has cancelled TWIRP day and replaced it with Camouflage Day, where the kids are allowed to dress in hunting and military fatigues in solidarity with the redneck hunting season in the area. Kind of a drastic change.

It sounds sounds like a few people need to get off the Christian crack pipe. While it is unusual for a school to have a reverse gender day, c’mon, it’s not going to make your kid gay. If a teen throws on a skirt and finds he likes it, it’s because he was born that way and it’s going to happen sooner or later. Sooner being better, at least for the sake of the kid’s sanity and to give him the prompting to get the fuck out that inbred town. There’s just no such thing as throwing a skirt on a kid, waving the magic fairy wand and “POOF”, a homosexual is born. It’s just not true, much like the right wing Christian groups espousing homosexuals to join intensive groups and halfway homes to become un-gay. Daveb doesn’t know about you, but he saw a special on television once about these hetero brainwashing camps and the people claiming to be reformed and saved former homosexuals seemed like the most repressed, self-loathing but still queer as a three dollar bill people daveb’s seen. It’s a pathetic arguement from people who are terrified to admit that if there is a god, he makes people truly born that way.
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Bad, very fucking bad. A trigger happy marine busted a cap into the head of a wounded prisoner inside a mosque in Falluja. The guy was apparantly half dead and lying on the ground. Basically in no position to be of threat to a bunch of armed marines. The whole mess was caught on tape by a television crew.

The soldier was back on duty after being shot in the face the day before (what the fuck?!?! Can someone please explin this to daveb?) and reportedly said “He’s fucking faking he’s dead. He faking he’s fucking dead.” when told that one of the prisoners was still breathing and then shot him in the head. Since then, the marine has been taken out of active duty and is being questioned.

The big question is, if the cameras weren’t there, would this marine be in trouble right now? Daveb highly doubts it. The Pentagon should thank it’s lucky stars that the cameras only caught this one little incident. There’s plenty of rumors and missing people that seem to have permanently become nonentities and a dearth of first person accounts of surviving prisoners relating seeing these non-persons last in US custody. The US military’s been doing some really shady-ass shit, but daveb thinks this is more an isolated incident of a soldier losing it, not a policy or anything like that. Daveb’s guessing the guy was under a lot of stress from being shot in the face, which is frankly fucking bizarre. If you were incharge of a bunch of marines and one got shot like that, would you put him back out the next day? You’d think they’d hold him for a couple days, check him out. You never know what people might do if the stress gets to them and daveb would not want a liability like that, armed and in the same room with him, same team or not. Still, this guy fucked up, big time.

As long as the Pentagon sells warfare to young kids, packaging it like it’s a video game, who can really be surprised? And daveb means this literally. There’s really a fucking video game made by the US army that’s provided free and let’s any kid strap on a rifle and indiscriminately waste some arab ass. it’s one of the top five online multiplayer games out there. Does anyone else agree that this is completely fucked the hell up? Your’re not going to be able to even pretend to pull off a humane and just military force if your actively teaching kids to objectify the enemy down to something as harmless as a video game. It’s fucked up. You can’t restart the game if your legs are blown off in real life.

Finally a country with some balls. Bhutan is banning all tobacco sales by the end of next month. Granted, they’re a small country and likely to not even register on the radar of tobacco corporations, at least not until now, but it’s balls none the less. Huevos, ball sack, nuts. Bhutanese got ‘em. Gotta love them for it, wherever they are. They’re slapping some serious fines for anyone selling or smuggling tobacco. It’s great shit. What would really be cool would be if other countries, even really small ones, followed suit and banned tobacco. There’s no use is hoping America will.

Now, daveb has been a huge smoker for about fifteen years and only recently quit and it’s fair to say that in light of his many unsuccessful forays into smoke-free living, it won’t be for long. So, with that understood, you may ask why, daveb, you bloated, hypocritical, goat-fucking biyatch, would you want cigarette sales banned? Simply because daveb thinks that it would prompt more people to quit. Much more than raising taxes on tobacco. Hardcore smoker that he was/is, remove the stimulus from the stores, he’d likely quit. Just raise the taxes and he’d keep on smoking.

The common arguement against banning tobacco sales is that it will go to the black market and organized crime. Who the fuck cares? With the taxes on legal sales, it already is a big money maker for crime families and gangs. People actually shoot each other here in NYC over bootleg cigarette sales territory, so big fucking deal. What will happen is that the majority of people will not be willing to seek out cigarettes illegally. Daveb doubts he would unless people were actively courting his habit and he doubts that would happen too at least for the majority as well as himself. Honestly if you stocked a store with heroin would you expect a junkie to be able to quit? Smoking is the same thing, worse because it IS legal to stock a store with it and it is more or less accepted and tolerated by society. For a drug known to be as addictive as heroin but attributable to thousands and thousands more deaths worldwide, that’s pretty fucked up. A small percentage of people in the US die from heroin overdose or health complications from long-term usage per year. It’s entirely arguable that the number would skyrocket if heroin were sold in stores and it was legal to use it. But, since it’s illegal, a very small minority die from it as opposed to cigarettes. So, making it illegal, while it will generate problems, in the long run will likely result in thousands less dead of smoking related illnesses. not to mention second hand smoke related illness. There’ll be a hell of a lot less people smoking on the streets of New York if you can get fined or jailed for it. But honestly, just a ban on sales would likely be enough. Possession could be legal, but as long as cigarettes are not easily available at any store.

As a newly ex-smoker who’s track record of chain smoking fifteen years and countless failed attempts to quit, the odds of daveb starting back up are high and at the very least will likely be forever nervous of falling back into it. Some people can moderate it, come and go, not daveb. It’s hard and anyone who’s never been hardcore addicted to something, just does not understand. Your body and brain shut down in protest over withdrawal. You can’t see, can’t think and everything is a screaming itch you can’t scratch. It’s maddening and not something that you can’t be cavalier about and “just do it”.
So, in short…Bhutan got balls.