What a way to start off your kid’s school day:

A daycare in a North York elementary school was under lockdown this morning after a bizarre incident in which a man was found dangling from a tree and impaled by a metal stake.

A parent dropping off a child at Roywood Public School - in the York Mills Rd. and Victoria Park Ave. area - called 911 after spotting the man hanging from a small tree at the back of the school around 7:30 a.m., Toronto Police say.

When emergency crews arrived on the scene, they found the man, believed to be in his 40s, impaled through his “rectal area” by one of the metal posts that were supporting the young tree at its base. [Read more]

What a pain in the ass.

The dude takes genius and weird to new levels:

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I often forget the fact that youtube (or the internet in general) has nearly everything that was ever on film or video during my childhood and adolescent years (at the very least a clip of it), archived a click away.

Today I rediscovered, “Entering Texas”, a short film by the Butthole Surfers that occupied my life when I was about 15 or 16. Back in those days, VHS was king, so it was up to the cool kids who ordered the films or at least made a decent copy. I must have watched this shit like 200 or so times, mostly high and hallucinating:

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KFC is using Black Metal to promote one of their sandwiches. Hilarious and a bit retarded at the same time. I assume this commercial had to have been aimed at the European market. The band name, “Helvetica”, is a great touch.

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These dudes are pussies. I would have at least checked the thing out.

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Midgets have to have some fun sometimes, I suppose.

Maple…fucking…bacon…lollipops. Made with organic bacon and Vermont maple syrup. (Whatever, Vt. syrup is no better than any other, be it Canadian or anywhere else in New England and the large bottling companies have been caught a fair number of times diluting the stuff with beet sugar, but I digress…) I’d totally try one, but I don’t think the interest is strong enough to actually go through ordering them online.

This bitch needs meds and a Jesus vaccine. Either that, or she needs to be ground into dog food to shut her ass up.

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Jesus freaks have the lamest video games for kids:

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Not to mention the lamest superhero shows:

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The Power Rangers would totally flatten Bibleman and his douchebag posse.

I was a little surprised yesterday to fire up my trusty Google Reader and see that some dude who lived 2 blocks over from me was stabbed in the side of the head with a corkscrew and killed. When I say surprised, I don’t mean the fact that someone was murdered in my neighborhood. People get killed or at least shot and stabbed on a fairly consistent basis in my neighborhood. Mostly, it’s gang-on-gang bullshit and/or drugs. Rather, I was surprised at the fact the crime made the news. Since violent crime in my area is 90% black-on-black violence and usually not involving children, the news never covers it. You can be sure this sudden attention was entirely due to the novelty factor of the corkscrew.

I’ve no shame in admitting that I burst out laughing at the mental picture of it all. Working for a wine magazine all I could think of was…

“THIS…*screw*…WINE…*screw*…IS…*screw*…FUCKING…PISS!!!!”

I usually like to think of myself as a guy who will eat anything once. If people go out of their way to make it and consume it, there has to be something going for it. Am I right or am I right?

However, I draw the line at insects. Bugs creep me out. Eating them is completely out of the question. This is why I am shocked and skeeved as fuck at the existence of Casu Marzu, a.k.a. “Rotten Cheese“, “Jumping Cheese” or “Maggot Cheese“.

The dead black sheep of the Pecorino family, the Sardinian Casu Marzu is purposely infected with the larvae of the Cheese Fly (Piophila casei) and allowed to go far past the ripening stage and into full-on decomposition. The cheese becomes goopy, seeping liquid and infested with tiny, translucent-white maggots that wriggle and squiggle and can jump up to six inches when disturbed. Mmm…maggots.

So what’s it taste like, you wonder?

“…a viscous, pungent goo that burns the tongue and can affect other parts of the body”

Enough said.

Banned from sale in Italy, but available via the black market, it’s usually consumed with bread and strong red wine (it’d have to be really fucking strong, I would assume) and is known to cause potential health problems such as allergic reactions, toxic poisoning (from letting it rot too far along) and intestinal larval infection.

Topped on french fries, it makes a lovely appetizer.