When I was a kid, Christmas was never really a big deal for me. What got my blood pumping came about a month early, when all the presents would be wrapped and hidden somewhere. I was on the prowl, hunting them down carefully lifting the Scotch tape, sliding off the paper and playing with them.

Nothing stopped me. Once, when I knew that behind a locked closet door was a brand-spanking new Nintendo game system, after unsuccessfully picking the lock, I just took the door off the hinges, hooked up the system and played it every day, putting the door and everything else back before anyone came home. Subsequently, when Christmas morning came, I had to look surprised at the gift even though I’d managed to win Super Mario Bros. several times over already. I was a horrid child.

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When I was around preschool age, I was obsessed with the television show, CHiPs, much like all the other kids I knew. As far as I was concerned, the coolest motherfucker in the world was California Highway Patrol officer Frank Poncharello aka “Ponch“. With a cool uniform, a motorcycle and proficient in a wide variety of skills such as skate boarding, street and roller hockey, handball, racquetball, basketball, flying, singing, jet-skiing, hang-gliding, sky-diving, wind-surfing, demolition derby driving, square dancing, drag racing, volleyball, chess, and Karate—Ponch was cool. Ponch got bitches a-plenty. I wanted to be exactly like him. His partner, Jon Baker was a fucking hick tool.

One day, I watched an episode where Ponch, having returned to his apartment from exercising, pours a glass of milk, cracks two raw eggs into it and drinks the mix. Supposedly, this is Ponch’s secret recipe for starting the day off right. I became fixated on this raw concoction. It was the magic potion of coolness. If I were to drink this elixir of milk and egg, I would instantly become cool like Ponch. If I managed to drink it every day, I’d surely get a motorcycle and roller-skating bitches would just flock to me like a pint-sized porn magnet. I was a big kid now. I didn’t need diapers anymore and I sort of knew what a vagina was. I needed this.

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