Deluded zombies. If I hired a plumber and he pulled that wing-nut Jesus shit with me, I’d fire his ass and hit that shit with some bleach. Pathetic. Even more so is the local “news” show that deems it worth more than 15 seconds of attention.
So if I shove forks up my ass and down my throat and plug myself into a wall socket, I’ll go heaven and meet the baby Jesus?
Hmm… Thanks, I’ll have to try that. How’s about you go first?
Perhaps the dumbest web service I’ve seen in a while, youvebeenleftbehind.com, will send emails to the friends and relatives (up to 62 addresses) of devout Christians, after the Jesus-Freak has been whisked to heaven via the Rapture—all for just $40 bucks a year. I mean, what price is worth the ability to thumb your nose and gloat at all those damned heathens, right?
That’s not all! The site also provides 250 MB of storage, 150 of which can be “encrypted” (there’s zero information on what exactly they mean by this or what method is used), so you can upload those important documents that you want to pass on to your loved ones.
The site suggests storing sensitive passwords, banking, brokerage information, locations of hidden valuables, and power of attorney documents. Their reasoning? You won’t need it, you’re in heaven! You can either give them your entire financial life to “hold” and keep “safe” for your loved ones, or risk the Antichrist getting it all. (I’m feeling like an opposing site, for donations to the Antichrist needs to be built, right now.)
Why entrust them all your information, you may ask? Simple, they say. Because they’re Christians. That should be all the credentials you’re average God-fearing, bible-humping idiot should ever need. Never mind that their contact info consists solely of a PO Box and a Gmail address. The domain registrar is a proxy, giving jack-shit for info as to who your money or your private financial information is going to. But hey, they’re Christians, it’s all good!
<sarcasm>This seems too good to be true! How do I know my information and messages will be delivered once I’m strumming a harp in heaven? Didn’t they say they were all Christian too? That means they’ll be in heaven with me! It’s so confusing, my head hurts! I better have an exorcism!</sarcasm>
Actually, according to these true believing heroes, there are five Christian people, scattered around the United States who must check in to the system on a regular basis. Should any three of these God-loving people fail to log-in over a three day period (presumably because they are now in heaven, not jail, mind you), the system will be triggered. An additional three days will be given as a failsafe and then like mana from heaven, all your important stuff will be delivered to the people you care most about on earth.
On one hand, it stinks to high hell of a total sucker scam. People who pay for this service are not only going to be $40 poorer, they’re likely to have their identities stolen and have their money cleaned out, pre-Rapture.
On the other hand, I’m all about abusing Christians.
This bitch needs meds and a Jesus vaccine. Either that, or she needs to be ground into dog food to shut her ass up.
[Link to video]
So today may be Valentine’s Day, the world’s lamest holiday to throw money away on, but you may or may not know that this stupid-ass card and candy exchanging day was originally a replacement for a Roman holiday called Lupercalia.
To quote Wikipedia:
The religious ceremonies were directed by the Luperci, the “brothers of the wolf”, priests of Faunus, dressed only in a goatskin. During Lupercalia, a dog and two male goats were sacrificed. Two patrician youths were anointed with the blood, which was wiped off with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh. The Luperci afterwards dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats, in imitation of Lupercus, and ran round the Palatine Hill with straps, cut from the skins, in their hands. These were called Februa. Girls would line up on their route to receive lashes from these whips. This was supposed to ensure fertility.
Let’s see… You got goat killing, dog sacrificing and pouring blood over rich young men. There’s some dairy in the mix, nothing wrong with that… Next you’re dressing the bloody dudes in goat costumes, forcing them to laugh and smile while they whip young women with animal skin. Hmmm.
Now that sounds like a fucking holiday.
Why on earth are people still sending cards, buying flowers and [gags on vomit] going to church on this day, when you could be covered in blood, whipping some chick? Where the fuck have our values and priorities gone?
