I am easily distracted by noise. Specifically, eating noises. From crisp, crunchy, staccato sounds of potato chips and crackling of cellophane packaging to the moist and mushy mastication of smooshy cupcakes and confections—I am rendered unable to concentrate on anything other than the noises generated from eating. They grab my unwilling attention at the expense of anything I may have been trying to apply my attention to and drive me to a near-murderous fit of irritation.

This is most problematic whenever I go to a movie theater. Truth told, at my advanced and geriatric age of thirty, I’ve near completely sworn off movie theaters, preferring to netflix everything and watch films from the comfort of my apartment of doom—doors locked, shades drawn and shotgun loaded. However, there are some films that beg to be seen in the theater. I’m referring to the big, special-effects laden behemoths like Star Wars or, most recently, King Kong. For a rare film such as this, I’ll deign to mingle with the circus and the plebs, but honestly, it’s not worth it. I pay eleven bucks to sit in a room with a bunch of walleyed, cud-chewing beasts who sit there all bloated with one hand supplying a steady stream of junk food, while the other hand fields phone calls and text messages. From that first crunch, that smack of the lip, the bleep of a 50 Cent ringtone, or blatant “What’s poppin’? Oh no he didn’t!” of a cell phone call—it’s over and I might as well go home. I can no longer focus on anything in the film, my mind suddenly taken hostage by these loathsome human noises. I’ve essentially paid eleven bucks to be serenaded by the music of hippos grazing because no matter how hard I try, I can’t avoid focusing on these sounds.

At times I suspect a conspiracy against me, being that the main food export of movie theaters is popcorn, the bane of my sanity. Sitting amongst the buffalo and cattle as they feed their faces kernel after maddening kernel incites near-epic violent urges.

I want to grab the bag of doritos from the asshole next to me, flinging them like shuriken into the eyes of these corpulent cockroaches. I want to drop hand grenades into these fuckwad’s super-sized soft drinks. I want to carve out their eyes and replace them with artificially buttered popcorn and wear their shrunken heads about my neck as a warning to others about to pop open that next box of Mike & Ikes.

With these sad facts in mind, I’m sure you can see how excited I was upon learning that Steven Soderbergh’s new film, “Bubble” is being released simultaneously in theaters, DVD, pay-per-view and some premium cable channels. I’ve always believed that if films were made available on pay-per-view or any other format immediately upon first release, I would gladly pay for it. If the average theater ticket is ten to eleven dollars, I’d happily pay fifteen to twenty for the ability to stay at home and watch it. Movie theaters should be relegated to the stigma of cheap seats at the opera. Those willing or able to pay should have the option of staying home without being penalized by having to wait months for the DVD to arrive. It’s absolutely ass-backwards the way movie releases are handled now.

Movie theater corporations believe that they have a divine right to hold films hostage for a set amount of time before releasing them to any other medium so that they can make their money. They feel that since they came first, they deserve special and exclusive treatment. This just flies in the face of all things right and sensible, in my opinion. They force this release method to be the norm so that they can stay in business, because if everything followed Soderbergh’s release method, the theater industry would tank faster than saying “Ishtar” five times fast because they suck Attila the Hun’s nut-sack. They rely on you being forced to use them to see films so that they don’t have to compete. They don’t feel that they need to be clean, civilized and worth the money you pay. In the sensible world of natural selection, these would mix together to form a recipe for an industry just begging to be phased out but they work hard to make sure you don’t get that chance.

I’m not the only person who eschews theaters in favor of home systems and DVDs. By not catering to my preferences and instead kow-towing to theater groups, movie industries are losing money. Did I not mention that I would pay more—practically the price of purchasing a DVD in a store, for the ability to see first run films in my living room? There will always be some asshole that’s willing to wait four hours in line for a chance to sit in a movie theater on opening day, but not this asshole. Don’t you want my money too? If not, then does that mean it’s okay for me to steal your films via P2P? I mean, here I am, offering a legal and lucrative option for delivering your schlock to my optic nerve. Don’t pass on it and then run about decrying those who download movies on the sly. The niche is more than there, it’s screaming to be filled.