It’s 2007, time to download a brand-spanking-new counterterrorism calendar from the National Counterterrorism Center, otherwise known as the Jihad-mindful jizzwads who make their living making sure you stay very afraid. I was a little disappointed that there’s no cheesecake bikini shots of Osama Bin Ladin, but hey, it’s chock-full of info as to which dates you’re most likely to get blown up (or celebrate a holiday, if your Muslim). Armed with this calendar, all I need to do now is secure everything I own with duct-tape, cats included (unless they too are Islamic extremists. In that case, I’m so fucked) horde some batteries, beef jerky and drinking water, lock the doors and whisper softly to my invisible shotgun.

I think my favorite part of the calendar is the “Bomb Threat Call Procedures” form in the back. Upon receiving a bomb threat, I will most certainly refrain from fleeing, sit down, take a deep breath and fill out the checklist, noting that the caller had a “lisped accent”, used “foul and incoherent threat language” and there was distinct sounds of “animals, house noises and music” in the background.

I feel so much safer now. Don’t forget the counterterrorism coloring book. You might need something to do while holed-up in fear of the world. I know I will.