This fucktard needs his head caved in…badly (assuming the video is real…looks pretty damning to me):

[Link to video]

Update: Dammit…youtube shit-canned the video. Anyway, CNN is now covering it. Video here.

I’ve just returned from work and a quick trip to the supermarket for arugula and beers (awesome combo, you don’t have to tell me). As I was walking home from the store in my neighborhood (Prospect Heights, Brooklyn), I noticed by a woman walking her poodle down the street in the opposite direction from me.

As I came closer, I saw some small, stick-like thing hanging out of the dog’s mouth. From a distance, my first thought was, “That’s a cigarette!”, but I have shit vision, even with contacts. But, sure enough, as the dog came closer I distinctly saw an unlit cigarette poking out of it’s mouth. The death-stick was whole, slightly damp in some parts, but complete and smokable.

The owner, who was walking slightly ahead of the poodle, seemed wholly oblivious as I can only assume she wouldn’t condone her pet’s addictive habit. My guess is the dog picked it up off the street, managing by coincidence to get it oriented correctly, filter-first and at the perfect smoking angle. The poodle really looked like he was just trying to get a light for it’s smoke. I would have obliged, had I been packing matches.

This morning as I was coming down the stairs to the subway platform, a tad hungover from a wine smorgasborg that lasted pretty late, I noticed this really big guy holding the world’s cutest, smallest dog, standing around and waiting for the train to come.

I mean, this dog was small. The man was holding him under his arm on the side that wasn’t facing me, so all I could see of the little bugger was his head. Seriously, this beast was absolutely, jaw-droppingly adorable.

Now normally I really don’t talk to strangers. I’m not the type of person who pets other people’s animals or comments on them. Truth told, I actively avoid strange dogs in public because all they really want to do is sniff my crotch and bark at me. Who wants that (at least in public)? However, this little pocket-dog, this pint-sized package of Pokemon-like cuteness was just too much to pass up. I started walking over, a big dumbass grin on my face.

This big guy saw me coming, slipping and sliding in my own drool and practically falling down, tripping over my own tongue with semi-crazed eyes locked onto his pint-sized pet. He shot me a look of suspicion that I well knew is reserved for crackheads that look like they’re about to come up and talk to you. It’s a look that says, “I will go ghetto. I will hit you so hard, your kids will be born dizzy. Go drink some antifreeze, motherfucker. Leave me alone.” Anyone who lives in New York City knows of this glare that I speak of.

I wasn’t to be stopped. I had to see this dog. Once I was up close and he saw that I was reasonably well-dressed, clean and obviously not a homeless crazy person, the man would undoubtedly understand that I too, was a fellow miniature dog lover (well, I was one now that I’d spotted the little fucker) and he would relax and even let me pet his dog and everything would be fine if not slightly gay.

Finally, I reached the guy, stopping before him, grinning like a busload of Down Syndrome kids after a Teletubbies marathon. “I just cannot believe how utterly cute that dog is. What breed is he? Is he friendly?”, said I.

The man looked at me like I was naked, smeared head to toe in my own feces, offering to impregnate his mother. “Get the fuck outta here”, he grunted to me as he shifted his weight and turned away from me.

It was then that I noticed that the world’s most adorable doggie’s head was actually the handle of some stupid novelty umbrella that the guy had tucked under his arm. It was made out of plastic and I was officially the most retarded person in New York. I slunk away to the other end of the platform.

Always wear your glasses.