I was just thinking about what current television shows that I consider view-worthy. I’ve never been a big TV person, until I got a TiVo. A DVR completely changes the television experience, making it actually worthwhile. Anyway, since I’m a closet list junkie, here’s what I watch now (or impatiently wait the return of) as far as television is concerned:

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At long, way fucking long last, I finally received a replacement remote from TiVo. Mind you, this was a replacement remote that I had to order and pay for myself. Of the three tries TiVo supposedly attempted to ship a replacement remote under warranty to me, not a single one ever left their warehouse and I highly doubt they ever will show up. But whatever, I just wanted the service back. TiVo gets a big, fat “F” on how they run things, but at least I can pause live TV.

About a month and a half ago, I posted about how my TiVo had died. Specifically, the remote which is the only device you control it with, was dead. I called TiVo support and after running a few tests to narrow down the problem, they told me that I was still under warranty and that a replacement remote would be received in 5-7 business days. They were very nice, except for the fact that a month and a half later, they’ve done jack-shit.

I have called TiVo four or five times now since then. To date, they have attempted to send me a remote three times to two different addresses and from what I am told each time I’ve called, these replacement remotes have never actually been shipped. Three fucking remotes! Not a single one ever actually sent out. Now, every time I call, the support person has always been very nice, but they tell me that’s all they can do. It’s bullshit.

Meanwhile, I’ve been paying my monthly TiVo service fee for a box that’s unplugged. I can’t use it. If I plug it in, it changes channels on me, since I can’t control it. I’m paying for a service that they’re not making good on.

When I called TiVo for a credit for this unused service, I was flat-out told no. No credit till my service is restored. Then, I can call them up and request a credit for downtime. But really, when is that going to happen? Where’s my fucking remote? Three tries and these numbnut fucking morons can’t ship a single one? How long is this going to drag on? I’m under a one-year contract and it seems I can’t get out of it or at least suspend service until this shit is fixed, but in truth, I have zero fucking confidence that it will be. I feel like I’m being completely ripped off. I would be utterly unsurprised if my next manic and desperate call to them has them telling me that all I can do is kick down cash and buy a series 3 box. It would make sense…assholes.

Two days ago, after the deadline for the third shipping attempt expired, I broke down and ordered a remote from TiVo’s web store. It’s only thirty bucks, but I really shouldn’t have to do this. I’m under fucking warranty! Whatever…I gave up. I bought the damn thing and paid an extra fifteen bucks for next-day delivery.

Now I’m waiting for TiVo to ship this new remote…again. It’s fucking pathetic.

TiVo is a great, convenient service, but they’re absolutely inept. I got addicted to using TiVo and you would too, but pray nothing goes wrong with your box, because they will fuck you with a smile.

Truthfully, I’ve had it. I want my TiVo working, since I’m paying for a contract, but that’s it. I’m never, ever dealing with them again. Let me reiterate in bold—I will never give TiVo another fucking dime of my money ever again. A little convenience is not worth it. Fuck them.

Before opting For TiVo, I’d semi-explored the option of building my own media center device, running Linux and MythTV, a free and open source PVR program. I didn’t do it because I’m lazy, but fuck it. Once this TiVo shit is over, I’m going that route.

Fuck you TiVo, give me my television back!

Over the weekend, the remote control for my beloved TiVo decided to roll over, shit the bed and expire. If you don’t have TiVo, know that the remote is the only way to control it. No working remote means an uncommunicative TiVo box that does what it wants, recording and deleting at it’s whim. Meanwhile, you can’t watch anything it may have recorded for you.

After calling support, going through the rigmarole to determine the problem, they’re sending me a new remote since I’m still under warranty and I can’t seem to find a store in New York City that sells them separate from the whole system. They all want to sell you those $200 universal remote deals. All I want is my trusty $30 TiVo remote back.

In the meantime, to stop TiVo from changing channels on me and deleting shows on it’s drive that I may still want to watch, I’ve unplugged it. I actually felt a pang of loss watching it’s little power light fade as I stood there, cord in hand. Almost like I’d just pulled a Schiavo on it. It was suffering, unable to communicate and just going through the motions, still trying to be a good little worker ant even with it’s legs pulled off. Poor little bugger. I had to put it out of it’s misery.

I’d never realized how dependent I was on TiVo. I used to hold the fact that I didn’t own a television as a point of pride, but yet there I was, reflexively thumbing the old cable box remote I’d pulled out of limbo only to find that no, Dave—you can’t pause live TV anymore. You can’t rewind. You can’t skip commercials and you can’t do whatever you want and trust that your favorite television shows will be dutifully recorded for you. No, you have to sit there like a tool and watch every mind-numbing commercial at the proper time-slot and God help you if someone talks to you or a car alarm goes off on the street, you deaf fuck. There’s no pausing in the land of no TiVo.

It’s snotty, but it’s almost an offense to have to watch TV the old fashioned way. It’s like if the Amish watched television, they’d be going through what I have to deal with—only by choice. Without TiVo, watching TV sucks monkey balls. Instead of a hard drive filled with all your favorite programming, you’re back to Sunday nights with 200-plus channels and jack-shit worth watching. Lame! Hopefully my replacement remote will arrive soon because while I hate missing the Daily Show and Colbert Report, etc.—dealing with this for much longer is going to have me back to being an anti-television believer.

I don’t really watch much television. Law & Order, Grey’s Anatomy, The Daily Show and the random historical documentary or something similar pretty much sums up my time spent in front of the TV when not watching a DVD. I have nothing against it. I could watch those Roman and WWII warfare documentaries all day and I’m a sucker for the “History of the Bible” and “Life of Jesus” bullshit shown almost non-stop on the History Channel and others. I just get distracted or forget to watch them.

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