Q:

Dear daveb,

How can I raise $150,000 to buy this two headed albino snake? I think it would taste delicious.

<3 gwennie

A: You’d think it’d be a tough task, right? I mean, that’s a pretty good chunk of change. Why you’d want to spend that amount of money to eat a mutant snake, I’ve no idea. Personally, while I would definitely eat the little fucker, I’d balk at having to pay anything over twenty bucks. Call me cheap, but that’s how I roll.

Anyway, so how are you going to pay for this two-headed genetic wonder? Shit, you gotta feed your seeds, yo. You gotta put that deep-fried two-headed bucket o’ snake on the table or social services gonna come haul your kids away for starving ‘em and shit. This is serious!

Alright, calm down. Daveb’s here with the answer. What I suggest you do is get a second job. Taco Bell, CFO of a bank, whatever you can get, just make that paycheck. Once you got some cash, click the button found on the lower right-hand side of davebgimp.com marked “PayPal: Donate”

It’s your ticket to financial freedom and the ability to eat two-headed snakes! Plus, it cures acne, promotes overall gastric well-being and makes people like you!

Use the link to send mee all your new-found cash. I will use it to become filthy fucking rich and when I die, which could be any day now, I will leave you everything and then you can munch away on two-headed snakes to your withered heart’s content. Do it. Do it now.

[Ask daveb anything! Either use this form or send an email to webmaster [at] davebgimp [dot] com with “Ask daveb” as the subject line. Remember, daveb knows all!]

I thought I was emotionally scarred by school, but up against this guy’s query, I’m starting to questions that. I traced this guy’s IP address to NJ. Why all my nastiest questions seem to come from that state, I’ll make no guesses, but you New Jersey people are some fucked up puppies.

dano wrote:

Q:

Is it true that my high school english teacher used to sexually stimulate herself by putting tuna fish in her vagina and then having her cats eat it?

A: My first reaction to your question was “mmm…tuna” , followed by a “Wait…what? Whoa!” and as I now write this post, I’ll admit that I’m eating a tuna-melt on whole wheat and my faithful cat George is staring at me with a look of near mutiny. Such is the power of canned fish.

In answer to your question, of course she did. Who wouldn’t? It’s tuna, fer’ chrissakes. That’s it’s primary purpose on Spaceship Earth. Shoving tuna into vaginas to feed pets is as American as apple pie not to mention a wonderful bonding experience for you and your furry little buddy. I recommend you run right home and try it yourself. If you don’t have a vagina, get one.

I think the real question here is whether the tuna was dolphin-safe. I mean, if it wasn’t…that’s fucked up.

[Ask daveb anything! Either use this form or send an email to webmaster [at] davebgimp [dot] com with “Ask daveb” as the subject line. Remember, daveb knows all!]