Jesus freaks have the lamest video games for kids:

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Not to mention the lamest superhero shows:

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The Power Rangers would totally flatten Bibleman and his douchebag posse.

Last night, I downloaded “Punch-Out!! Featuring Mr. Dream!!” via the Virtual Console on my cherished and most beloved Wii. When I was a kid, it was called “Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!”, but I guess with the end of Tyson’s contract with Nintendo and having lost the championship to Buster Douglas, they made some cosmetic changes to the boss at the end (basically making him a white guy) and changed his name to Mr. Dream.

I’d completely forgotten how totally awesome this game was. I’d also repressed how balls-out politically incorrect it managed to be. I guess it was truly a different era, because a game this chock full of blatant racial and ethnic stereotypes would never fly in this day and age. That said, it rules.

The list of fighters runs a gamut of stereotypes. The obese Pacific Islander; the Japanese guy with the rickshaw soundtrack and extremely exaggerated slanted eyes. The drunk Russian (Soda Popinski’s original name was Vodka Drunkenski till Nintendo changed it, since it was a kids game) and more.

In spite and perhaps because of the insensitivity, the game rocks. I’d forgotten how many hours I killed, punching and dodging my way up the ladder, only to get laid out by Tyson in the first round. I don’t recall exactly, but I think I did manage to win the game at some point. So far, I can get to the second fight with Bald Bull. My old school game skills have suffered severely over the years. Still, I have time and a certain amount of thumb-tapping moxie left in me.

One of the ways that I know my brain is in engaged in a slow, synaptic erosion towards a state of oatmeal-like gruel is by my ever worsening skills at video games that ruled my world as a child. I used to pwn Super Mario Bros., back in the NES days. I could win that game on one life (yeah, so I used warp zones…I was still pretty damn good!). Now, sitting in a rank puddle of urine and feces, sweating, swearing and screaming at my television, I’m lucky to get to level 5.

Yesterday, I was reading about how the little-known and rarely seen original Japanese sequel to Super Mario 1, “SÅ«pā Mario Burazāzu 2″ a.k.a. “Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels” had been made available for the Wii’s virtual console. The article I was reading had a lot to say about how much more difficult and maddening this release is and how the creator might very possibly have been in a deep depression that led to his making a release that is a total fuck-off-and-die-trying type of game for all those budding Mario fans out there in the mid 80’s. I decided that I must have it.

As soon as I got home, I ponied up the 600 Wii points ($6) and downloaded it. I can safely say that “Lost Levels” is one fucking ass-rape of a hard game. I couldn’t even complete the first world, though I will keep spanking away at it.

On a similar Nintendo note, while I was browsing the Wii Shop Channel. I nabbed Super Mario Bros. 3, a game I’d completely forgotten about. I spent many, many a completely drugged-to-the-gills evening playing that game in high school. I loved it and now I own it again and can resume blowing away whole nights zoning to it—minus the hallucinations and eventual vomiting. The Wii is the greatest thing ever.

Today, I finally got around to trying Guitar Hero 2 for my PS2. I picked up one of those guitar and game package deals on the way home from brunch (unlimited mimosas, motherfuckers!). I found myself immediately and completely addicted, thwacking away at the fret keys and strumming like a retard huffing gasoline. I’m an unstoppable rock god!

Naturally, I had to choose Lars Umlaüt as my avatar (pictured above), since he’s something close to Black Metal, what with the corpsepaint and shit. I noticed that the third installment is released next week and the track list looks totally sweet. I’m definitely getting it.

The only downside to the game is after a few solid hours of sweating away at it, my wrists are killing me. I think I’m going to be pretty sore in the morning. Whatever, Guitar Hero rules.

This last weekend, I got my hands on Metroid 3, for my beloved Wii. I’ve been playing the various incarnations of Metroid since back in the NES days. Remember winning the game fast enough so you could see Samus in a bikini? Such memories…such scandal. I killed many an hour slapping away at that game.

Shortly after popping in the disk and arming myself with the remote, Metroid 3 quickly became one of my favorite games for that system so far. Now an FPS game, the ability to aim with the Wii remote really, truly kicks some ass. I haven’t enjoyed a shooter on a console till the Wii came along with it’s miraculous controller, preferring to play those games on a PC, with a keyboard and mouse. The Wii’s completely changed that and Metroid 3 is a prime example of just how awesome the gameplay can be.

In more than a few ways, the game reminds me a lot of Halo. Of course, considering the history, you could say the opposite, since Metroid has been around in some form since I was in grade school. Irregardless, I love this game. Where it lacks in graphical punch, it more than makes up for in gameplay and storyline. I am frickin’ addicted.

I was playing World of Warcraft pretty regularly, early last year. I had the game installed on a Windows partition on my laptop but I completely loathe booting XP, so as time went on, I was playing less and less till I eventually stopped altogether, though keeping my account active.

Tonight I finally got off my ass and installed WoW in Ubuntu, my preferred Linux OS of Doom. It was one of those things I knew was possible, but I was too lazy to take on the task. I followed this howto and after about thirty minutes, hosing the X server a good six or seven times, I finally got WoW running on my laptop. At first, I had no sound, but after manually incresing the sound buffer to 250, I was completely set. The result is awesome. Warcraft runs perfectly on Ubuntu using just Wine. The only thing I notice is that it does not play nicely with Beryl, but it’s simple to switch the window manager over to metacity. I actually hotkeyed the switch, so it’s even simpler.

Considering that I now no longer have to boot the dreaded Windows to play, I’ll probably be logged in a lot more. This could be a good or bad thing, considering how completely addicting it is.

I bought Super Paper Mario for my much loved Wii about two weeks ago and I’ve fast become addicted to it. A short while ago, I posted how I had rediscovered the original Super Mario Bros. using the Wii’s virtual console. To pair it against the latest installment in the Mario franchise, it’s great to see how they’ve kept many elements that made the first game so much fun while expanding on it without losing focus and quality. I especially like how you turn the Wii remote sideways (making it a super hi-tech version of the original NES controller) in order to play the game.

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I bought received Doom 3 for the PC as a gift, way back in 2004 and really dug it’s dark, brutal, visually twisted and genuinely scary vibe for an FPS game. I got stuck fairly close to the end and never managed to finish it and some time later, I bought an expansion for the game, but never installed it. Since I was running a dual-boot between Linux and XP (strictly for video games), I eventually backed up my save files and uninstalled it to make room for newer games and kind of forgot about it.

Yesterday, while sorting through some old shit for a trip to the storage center to grab some summer clothes, I found the game in a pile of CDs. Remembering that the Id Software guys were into supporting Linux with their titles, I checked to see if a install package for Doom 3 on Linux was out. Sure enough, there was one, so I decided to try it out.

I found this FAQ and following the instructions, downloaded the install package, ran it and installed the game to ‘/usr/local/games/’ and then copied a bunch of files off the game CDs I had to the same directory. I still had to enter the software key off the game’s jewel case, but the result is a very fine looking Doom 3 running under Xubuntu. Totally fucking sweet.

I still have a Windows partition on my laptop and there are some games installed on it, but I rarely have the patience to boot it and rely mostly on my beloved Wii and PS2 for gaming fixes. The more Linux install packages I can get for PC games, the more money I’m going to
spend on the industry. I’m not really into paying a monthly fee for Cedega so I can run Windows games and I rarely have the patience to attempt to get a game running myself using Wine. I wish more game companies did this for Linux users.

I’ve had a Wii since January and one feature that I’ve come to really appreciate about it is it’s virtual console library that lets me purchase and play old games from long-ago systems. The two games I seem to be playing the most lately are Super Mario Bros. and Galaga, which is nuts because if you were to take a peek at what I was playing twenty-two years ago, nothing seems to have changed. Sure, I have a couple consoles and a bunch of whiz-bang games, which I certainly do play, but it seems that lately I am regressing to the simpler days of two buttons and a D-pad.

I remember the xmas where I finally got a NES. Every kid had to have a Nintendo, there was no room for compromise. I had made it clear all year long that the console was the only gift that would not result in tantrums, doom and destruction, so when November started rolling around, I started searching the house for presents, hidden until the appropriate day.

I noticed that one particular closet in the house was locked, for the first time I could remember. Fairly certain that I’d located the cache and what I fervently hoped was a Nintendo, I then scoured the house for the key, looking in every drawer, pocket, nook and cranny. I couldn’t find it anywhere.

I was now faced with a dilemma. On the other side of this door was likely my xmas present. I had to know if it was a Nintendo. I was ten year old latch-key kid, blitzed out of his mind on daily doses of sugar, Hulk Hogan and He-Man…there was no denying me.

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Don’t get me wrong, I still love my Wii, really. But I still have a PS2 and it’s always don;t right by me, so I’m still getting the odd game here and there for it. It’s a damn good console and deserves dome love. PS3…not so sure.

Yesterday, I popped into a GameStop and picked up a couple of used games. I have one of those memberships that gives me a discount on used shit, so I tend to check out what they’ve got whenever I go to one. Anyway, I picked up a copy of the game, Okami and I’m just fucking blown away.

Using cell-shading with a strong emphasis on a ink and brush style, reminiscent at times of Ukiyo-e, anime and classical Japanese brush-and-paper art, the style, look and mood of Okami is equal parts cute, hypnotic and beautiful, evoking a dreamy, fairytale-like atmosphere, entirely different in style but (to me) reminiscent of the game Shadow of the Colossus in its ability to evoke a full-fleshed and mysterious world through atmosphere and art.

The game makes light-hearted use of Shinto legends—the main protagonist being an incarnation of Amaterasu O-Mi Kami in the form of a white wolf. You’re running around, fighting weird demons and interacting with talking animals and your sidekick is a temper-challenged, sword-wielding flea. It’s a fun, but strange game. Fighting is especially interesting with an ability to make special moves by pausing the action and using a brush to paint ink in certain patterns to activate attacks.

Okami has got to be one of the 10 best games I’ve ever played—at least on the PS2. I’ve heard there won’t be a sequel, which is damn unfortunate.