Here and there, in my spare time, I’ve been picking away at Julius Caesar’s “Commentarii de Bello Gallico” (literally translated as “Commentaries on the Gallic War”) [Link to the full book at Project Gutenberg], his account of the nine years he spent at war in Gaul (named by the Romans, a large area of western Europe, comprising modern day France, Belgium and parts of Italy, Switzerland, Germany and the Netherlands). It’s a great read, well worth the time if you dig history, romans, warfare, extreme violence and freaky pagan cultures (I mean, how can you go wrong with a recipe like that?). It’s full of battle and observations of a people that very little written account of exists. Druids are all over the place with all kinds of weird customs. My favorite tweaky little practice so far is the wicker man, a method of mass sacrifice, employed by the druids on behalf of the Celtic people to appease gods and ward away disease, or some other misfortune that has befallen them. A giant, hollow effigy of a man was made from sticks and then filled with human undesirables. Thieves and other criminals made the best stuffing material, though in a pinch, the average Joe might be used. The whole thing was then set alight, roasting those inside in one big bonfire.

“XVI.–The nation of all the Gauls is extremely devoted to superstitious rites; and on that account they who are troubled with unusually severe diseases and they who are engaged in battles and dangers, either sacrifice men as victims, or vow that they will sacrifice them, and employ the Druids as the performers of those sacrifices; because they think that unless the life of a man be offered for the life of a man, the mind of the immortal gods cannot be rendered propitious, and they have sacrifices of that kind ordained for national purposes. Others have figures of vast size, the limbs of which formed of osiers they fill with living men, which being set on fire, the men perish enveloped in the flames. They consider that the oblation of such as have been taken in theft, or in robbery, or any other offence, is more acceptable to the immortal gods; but when a supply of that class is wanting, they have recourse to the oblation of even the innocent.”

Julius Caesar’s book is the only written record of this practice. The veracity of his account has been criticized by several historians for different reason, chief being that Caesar does not claim to have witnessed the sacrifices himself and that in trying to drum up support among the citizens of Rome for his campaign, he might have exaggerated or invented the ritual in order to further paint the image of the Celt as barbaric and uncivilized.

But, if it were true, how insane a picture would that have been? Bodies writhing and screaming, stuffed into a wooden cage built in the shape of a man. Fat and fluids dripping to the ground as blackened skin curls and organs burst. Talk about a fucking Kodak moment to show the grandkids when they misbehave. I wonder what they did with the remains after all of it was burnt?