Way back in the days of ancient Greece, a brass worker named Perillos invented a contraption known today as a brazen bull. A large, hollow brass casting in the shape of a bull with a door set in it’s side, it’s purpose was to execute criminals or other such undesirables by roasting them alive.

A condemned individual was shut inside the bull and fires were stoked underneath till the metal was red hot and the prisoner was roasted alive, leaving nothing but scorched bones. An elaborate series of horns-like tubes and stoppers built into the head served to transform the person’s screams of terror and agony into something reminiscent of a really pissed off bull. Smoke and fumes from the roasting were forced out through incense burners so as not to offend anyone’s sense of smell or kill their appetite.

Perillos designed this wacky killing machine for a really ill-tempered man named Phalaris, ruler of Agrigentum (an area in modern Sicily). Upon seeing the finished product, Phalaris was pleased but desired to hear the sounds it was supposed to make so he had Perillos sealed inside and the fires lit beneath. Satisfied with the transformation of the man’s screams into bull sounds, he had him pulled out before he could die. However, the reprieve of Perillos didn’t last long as shortly thereafter, the king had the inventor tossed from a hill and killed. Phalaris himself was fed to the brazen bull after he was overthrown by Telemachus. Call it karma.

The Romans liked to use the brazen bull as it made for a highly entertaining way to dispose of those pesky Christians. Notable roasted Jesus-lovers include Saint Pelagia of Tarsus, Saint Eustace (along with his wife and children) and Saint Antipas.

[Photo credit]

To say that being hung, drawn and quartered was a sucky experience is an understatement akin to describing Liberace as just a teeny bit gay. It was a horrible way to exit life, reserved for traitors to the state or crown and other serious crimes that required the authorities to put a dude down in such a wretched way that no one could question as to whether they were serious about punishing a crime. This was some hardcore not-fucking-around shit.

If you were unlucky enough to earn yourself such an delightful treatment, you were strapped to a wooden frame and dragged by horse to the place of execution. You were then hung by the neck in what’s called the “short drop” method. An example of this would be standing someone on a stool, a cart or the back of a horse. A rope is then put around their neck and whatever they are standing or sitting on is removed from under them, resulting in strangulation with very little or no body drop or neck breakage. This was ideal, since the condemned needed to be kept alive for as long as possible. Once hung, they were carefully observed and taken down before death ensued. The prisoner was then taken to the quartering table and strapped down. If they were unconscious. they were awakened with some cold water. After the poor bastard was in a a suitable state of alertness, he was treated to the thrilling experience of having his genitals removed. As if that wasn’t enough excitement, a large incision was made across the lower abdomen and the intestines slowly pulled out with the aid of a contraption similar to a dough roller since they were usually too slippery to be removed by hand. The organs, including the genitalia were then burnt before the eyes of the condemned (although how you manage to stay conscious or not just keel straight over from the shock and pain alone is beyond me). Last but not least, poor guy was decapitated and the body chopped into four pieces. The head was usually put on display somewhere conspicuous and the remaining pieces were disposed of, often in different locations.

You know you fucked up when the law of the land wants to do something like that to you.

Another method, used by the French would entail torture with red-hot tongs. Then, the hand which had been used to commit the crime (usually regicide) would be burnt with sulfur and molten lead followed by wax and boiling oil being poured into the wounds. The prisoner’s limbs would be tied to horses, who would then be whipped into running, subsequently tearing the man to pieces. Finally, for the cherry to top it all off, the torso would be burnt. Often the dude was still alive (barely) for this last bit.

Samuel Pepys, who witnessed the quartering of Thomas Harrison, had this to say of the event:

“I went out to Charing Cross, to see Major-general Harrison hanged, drawn, and quartered; which was done there, he looking as cheerful as any man could do in that condition.”

Pretty funny.

Moloch, also known as Ba’al or Hadad was a god worshiped among the Phoenician cultures of the ancient world. Depicted as a calf, ox or a man with the head or horns of a bull, he was at times known as a god of rain, thunder, fertility, agriculture and lord of the heavens.

As time has passed, he has been transmuted and assimilated into other cultures and religions, often vilified. Baal and Moloch both became demonic entities in the Judeo-Christian religions. For example, the demon Beelzebub’s name came from the Hebrew, Ba’al zvuv. Whatever he happened to be god of, or whatever his name might have been at any given time, according to tradition, Moloch sure liked his sacrifices. He particularly enjoyed roasting children alive.

The Rabbi Shlomo Yitzhaqi wrote:

“Tophet is Moloch, which was made of brass; and they heated him from his lower parts; and his hands being stretched out, and made hot, they put the child between his hands, and it was burnt; when it vehemently cried out; but the priests beat a drum, that the father might not hear the voice of his son, and his heart might not be moved.”

Another version of the story tells that the statue was hollow, having seven compartments with flour placed in one, turtledoves in another, a ewe in the third, a ram in the fourth, a calf in the fifth, an ox in the sixth, and in the seventh a child. The statue was then heated, killing and roasting everything inside.

The Carthaginians worshiped Moloch/Ba’al under the name of Cronus or Kronos. The historian Cleitarchus wrote:

“There stands in their midst a bronze statue of Kronos, its hands extended over a bronze brazier, the flames of which engulf the child. When the flames fall upon the body, the limbs contract and the open mouth seems almost to be laughing until the contracted body slips quietly into the brazier. Thus it is that the ‘grin’ is known as ’sardonic laughter,’ since they die laughing.”

Another Greek historian, Diodorus Siculus says:

“There was in their city a bronze image of Cronus extending its hands, palms up and sloping toward the ground, so that each of the children when placed thereon rolled down and fell into a sort of gaping pit filled with fire.”

That’s some seriously tweaky shit. I wonder if Carthaginians had barbecue sauce back then.

Oooo! Another question! This one’s a bit dicey, but I’ll answer it anyway because I’m down for the fucking cause!

Q:

Dear daveb,

Who came up with the idea of oral sex?

A: Do your parents know you’re reading this site? Shit. Okay, I’ll answer this, but if cops kick down my door for contributing to your delinquency, I’m going to go apeshit.

Oral sex dates back hundreds, perhaps thousands of years and is present in the sexual subculture of many diverse groups and societies. Popular myth attributes the invention of oral sex to a man named Big Willy Johnson. Big Willy is believed to have lived in ancient Persia (now known as Iran) around the same time as the prophet Zoroaster, which would be somewhere in the ballpark of 1,000 BC.

Legend has it that Big Willy came upon the idea while seeking shelter with his camel during a sandstorm. Upon spying a cave in a hillside nearby, he quickly moved himself and his beast inside and set about trying to make a fire, intending to sit out the storm and spend the night.

Inside the cave, partially buried under some debris in the back, was a large jar of the kind commonly used to store olive oil. The jar was still sealed and out of either boredom, curiosity or a deep desire for olive oil that overrode the possibilty that it could very well be some rancid stanky shit having sat there so long, Big Willy cracked that bitch open.

It’s at this point that several ancient texts seem to disagree, but the most common version of the story tells that upon opening the jar, a jinn escaped and flew into his camel.

The animal, possessed by this desert spirit, spoke to Big Willy. “Thou shalt debase thyself and suckle the camel’s dong, lest ye be afflicted with a pox and thine limbs shall wither and all who meet ye shall turn away in disgust.”, said the demon.

Big Willy, never one to fuck with the supernatural, was deeply afraid and did as he was told. History doesn’t record how long Big Willy Johnson was held there in the cave, sucking camel dick, but at some point, probably sunrise or something, the evil jinn offered to let him go.

Much to the jinn’s surprise, Big Willy didn’t want to stop. He loved eating that camel shlong. Seriously, he was all about it. After a few more hours, Big Willy finally realized that there was no reason he couldn’t leave with his camel and do it elsewhere, so he packed up his shit and went home where he spread his new-found hobby amongst his town and the rest is history.

So there you have it kids. Most people don’t make a habit of eating camel dick, but hey, it’s gotta start somewhere.

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