Sheer comedic genius.

Jesus Christ: The Musical

Big Jim writes:

Q:

Dear Daveb,

Is the Dalai Lama really His Holiness? And if so where does Jesus fit into the equation?

Confused in Alabama,

Mickey

A: Well, I suppose it depends on your definition of holiness. Are we talking cloud-parting, white light, chorus-singing, levitation holy or are we talking about self-flagellating, camel-hair sack wearing, bend-the-altar-boy-over, locust-eating holy? In either case…no, His Lama-ness is neither, but I guess if he had to be one of the two, I feel certain that he’d choose the first category.

But let’s forget that and focus on the jist of your question, which I’m guessing is something along the lines of, “Who’s spiritual nutsack carries more weight?”

I’m not a religious person in the slightest, but being the genius I am, I certainly feel qualified to answer. Listen up and take notes if you have to, because I’ll tell you right now, soldier… Jesus’s nuts hang mighty fucking low.

Nice guy that he is, Lama-dude’s shriveled little love-raisins cannot hold a candle to the sheer, sweaty God-bomb that is the nutsack of Christ. Jesus wears his robes for an actual purpose — to cover his nuts. He’d just bust a hole in his jeans otherwise.

China busted into Tibet and what did the Dalai Lama do? He sucked his balls into his body cavity and high-tailed it to India. When the Romans arrested Jesus, he didn’t bitch out. He was like “I am what I am” and they nailed his ass to a hunk of wood and that gnarly motherfucker took it like a pro.

Jesus would crush the Dalai Lama with his balls. Know this. He’d bitch slap his ass into next Tuesday. He’d get him into his signature Holy Trinity Headlock and shit would be over and done and Jesus would go off and bang the corpse of Mother Theresa just because he’s cold like that. For real. Holes in his hands and everything.

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