An insanely good and long overdue idea. I’m renting this as soon as it hits DVD.

[Link to video]

On Monday evening, I caught a showing of “Iron Man“—the movie that seemingly everyone I read or speak to loves and is willing to gush about. There was one problem, though. It bored the fuck out of me. I actually think it kind of overall sucked.

The movie is two and a half hours long. Most of it is buildup, filled with frat-boy banter à la Jon Favreau. While the special effects are good, the action is mediocre and short-lived. The finale…after sitting through all the dull-ass shit, did not rescue me from boredom.

The sad thing is that Iron Man could have been a great movie. Would that a better director had the job. Jon Favreau was not the man for the flick. At best, the movie’s a rental, assuming you can stay awake through it.

For the past couple of days, I’ve been really into Google Video and some of the full-length films it serves up. Try searching “horror public domain” for a bunch of good shit. I never realized there were so many films out there that are now no longer restricted by copyright.

Yesterday, I was watching “Nosferatu“, a silent film I’ve always meant to get around to catching. I thought it was great, especially served up in a browser. Check it out:

[Link to video]

This morning, I’m revisiting one of my favorite ass-kicking scenes from any movie, ever. At one point in his career, Steven Seagal was one bad motherfucker and he talked a good string of smack as well.

I was messing around with this semi-stupid “Create your own Simpson’s avatar” Flash application on the Simpson’s movie site. Naturally, I recreated myself as I think I would appear as Simpson’s cartoon character. The site is Mac/Linux retarded, so in order to get the image (it fails to download or email), I had to do a screengrab.

I caught the movie last night. It’s a highly scattered film, but more or less entertaining and pretty funny. I can’t say that I’m really into the Simpson’s anymore. I feel like that show peaked years ago and I can rarely find the patience to sit through a full episode, but I think the flick was worth the price of the ticket. I was pissed at the lack of presence with some of my more favorite characters. Groundskeeper Willie is only in the background, with no lines and Smithers, one of my all-time favorites is barely in the movie.

Last night, I watched what has to be the most inventive, surreal, totally sweet and coolest Science-Fiction movie that I’ve seen in many years. “Immortal (ad vitam)” is an insane flick. It’s part Phillip K. Dick’s “Blade Runner” aka “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” and William Gibson’s “Neuromancer” series; mixed together with some gigantic ancient Egyptian gods like Horus, Anubis and Bastet; and set in a hyper-futuristic, decaying vision of New York City. It’s hard to go wrong with a formula like that. It’s dark, corroded, dream-like cyberpunk awesomeness. Rent it; watch it. You’ll like it.

I am easily distracted by noise. Specifically, eating noises. From crisp, crunchy, staccato sounds of potato chips and crackling of cellophane packaging to the moist and mushy mastication of smooshy cupcakes and confections—I am rendered unable to concentrate on anything other than the noises generated from eating. They grab my unwilling attention at the expense of anything I may have been trying to apply my attention to and drive me to a near-murderous fit of irritation.

This is most problematic whenever I go to a movie theater. Truth told, at my advanced and geriatric age of thirty, I’ve near completely sworn off movie theaters, preferring to netflix everything and watch films from the comfort of my apartment of doom—doors locked, shades drawn and shotgun loaded. However, there are some films that beg to be seen in the theater. I’m referring to the big, special-effects laden behemoths like Star Wars or, most recently, King Kong. For a rare film such as this, I’ll deign to mingle with the circus and the plebs, but honestly, it’s not worth it. I pay eleven bucks to sit in a room with a bunch of walleyed, cud-chewing beasts who sit there all bloated with one hand supplying a steady stream of junk food, while the other hand fields phone calls and text messages. From that first crunch, that smack of the lip, the bleep of a 50 Cent ringtone, or blatant “What’s poppin’? Oh no he didn’t!” of a cell phone call—it’s over and I might as well go home. I can no longer focus on anything in the film, my mind suddenly taken hostage by these loathsome human noises. I’ve essentially paid eleven bucks to be serenaded by the music of hippos grazing because no matter how hard I try, I can’t avoid focusing on these sounds.

At times I suspect a conspiracy against me, being that the main food export of movie theaters is popcorn, the bane of my sanity. Sitting amongst the buffalo and cattle as they feed their faces kernel after maddening kernel incites near-epic violent urges.

I want to grab the bag of doritos from the asshole next to me, flinging them like shuriken into the eyes of these corpulent cockroaches. I want to drop hand grenades into these fuckwad’s super-sized soft drinks. I want to carve out their eyes and replace them with artificially buttered popcorn and wear their shrunken heads about my neck as a warning to others about to pop open that next box of Mike & Ikes.

With these sad facts in mind, I’m sure you can see how excited I was upon learning that Steven Soderbergh’s new film, “Bubble” is being released simultaneously in theaters, DVD, pay-per-view and some premium cable channels. I’ve always believed that if films were made available on pay-per-view or any other format immediately upon first release, I would gladly pay for it. If the average theater ticket is ten to eleven dollars, I’d happily pay fifteen to twenty for the ability to stay at home and watch it. Movie theaters should be relegated to the stigma of cheap seats at the opera. Those willing or able to pay should have the option of staying home without being penalized by having to wait months for the DVD to arrive. It’s absolutely ass-backwards the way movie releases are handled now.

Movie theater corporations believe that they have a divine right to hold films hostage for a set amount of time before releasing them to any other medium so that they can make their money. They feel that since they came first, they deserve special and exclusive treatment. This just flies in the face of all things right and sensible, in my opinion. They force this release method to be the norm so that they can stay in business, because if everything followed Soderbergh’s release method, the theater industry would tank faster than saying “Ishtar” five times fast because they suck Attila the Hun’s nut-sack. They rely on you being forced to use them to see films so that they don’t have to compete. They don’t feel that they need to be clean, civilized and worth the money you pay. In the sensible world of natural selection, these would mix together to form a recipe for an industry just begging to be phased out but they work hard to make sure you don’t get that chance.

I’m not the only person who eschews theaters in favor of home systems and DVDs. By not catering to my preferences and instead kow-towing to theater groups, movie industries are losing money. Did I not mention that I would pay more—practically the price of purchasing a DVD in a store, for the ability to see first run films in my living room? There will always be some asshole that’s willing to wait four hours in line for a chance to sit in a movie theater on opening day, but not this asshole. Don’t you want my money too? If not, then does that mean it’s okay for me to steal your films via P2P? I mean, here I am, offering a legal and lucrative option for delivering your schlock to my optic nerve. Don’t pass on it and then run about decrying those who download movies on the sly. The niche is more than there, it’s screaming to be filled.