Last week, I caught “John Rambo” a.k.a. Rambo 4, the latest (and presumably final) installation in the 80’s Stallone juggernaut about a mentally scarred and overwhelmingly bloodthirsty Vietnam veteran, given to headbands, ripped muscles and monosyllabic, single sentence dialog. (Trivia note: His characteristic slurred speech and permanent snarl/scowl is actually a result of partial paralysis of the left side of his face, caused by a pair of forceps severing a nerve, during his birth.)

I’ll admit that I am actually quite a fan of Sylvester Stallone, albeit only recently. I find the majority of his work during the 80’s and early 90’s to be intolerable schlock—akin to porn, only substituting severed limbs and arterial spray in place of tits and ass. However, his very early films, such as the original “Rocky” and “First Blood” (the first movie featuring the character, John Rambo, in case you don’t know), are in my opinion, pretty good flicks. Stallone, in his best moments, is not a bad actor, an excellent writer and some of his films actually have real characters with plots.

At some point in the late 90’s, when Stallone’s career as an action superstar began to tank, he started appearing in low-budget, more independent films. Since that transition, his credibility with me has soared. Movies like Cop Land and Get Carter, and Rocky Balboa have been Hollywood gold as far as I’m concerned.

So, with that in mind, I felt I had to give the new Rambo a chance. I wasn’t disappointed.

The movie is scandalously graphic in it’s violence, especially towards children (which is fine by me). You’ve got kids being shot, pasted by mortar fire, stabbed with bayonets, hacked with machetes and thrown into fiery wreckage, only to be finished off with a flame thrower.

But, believe me, the adults have it much worse. The key phrase is, “an orgy of severed arms and legs“. The transformation of humans into an organic pink mist via explosives also features largely. The movie basically explores just about every easily available method of killing Asian people. Shit gets deep.

As Rambo succinctly states, “Killin’s as easy as beathing.” Epic!!!

Sent to rescue a posse of bitch-ass Christians from a constantly smoking, implacable Asian dude with sunglasses, Rambo heads up the river into Burma with a group of mercenaries.

As expected, Rambo basically rips out everyone’s asshole and feeds it to them, but with style.

There’s no jokes. There isn’t much of any dialog, especially on Rambo’s part. What you get is death, dismemberment and general mutilation and it works surprisingly well. At one point, I actually had to pause the film, just to absorb how much I was really enjoying it.

Nobody fucks with John Rambo!

Rent it. It’s a good time.

On Monday evening, I caught a showing of “Iron Man“—the movie that seemingly everyone I read or speak to loves and is willing to gush about. There was one problem, though. It bored the fuck out of me. I actually think it kind of overall sucked.

The movie is two and a half hours long. Most of it is buildup, filled with frat-boy banter à la Jon Favreau. While the special effects are good, the action is mediocre and short-lived. The finale…after sitting through all the dull-ass shit, did not rescue me from boredom.

The sad thing is that Iron Man could have been a great movie. Would that a better director had the job. Jon Favreau was not the man for the flick. At best, the movie’s a rental, assuming you can stay awake through it.

I caught Beowulf last night, paying the extra few dollars on top of what is already a ridiculous price in New York ($14.50, normally $10.50-$11) to see the first 3-D movie since I was a very small child. It was some pretty cool shit, but I could see it being a hell of a lot better if it wasn’t limited by screen size (I’m thinking IMAX) and it didn’t really do anything to help the movie itself as far as story effects and action.

But, 3-D aside, Beowulf was a pretty fucking good movie.I’ve always been a fan of Neil Gaiman since back in The Sandman days, so I figured that the flick would have a good deal more depth than your average hack-n’-slash flick and I wasn’t disappointed. The movie is not a literal following of Beowulf. Rather it takes the tale and fills in the gaps and connects things, weaving a complex, human and empathic narrative of a bold, cocky and undefeated—yet weak and faulted man who as human as he may be, becomes the subject of legend. On top of that, it throws some serious fucking blood, violence and naked Jolie.

I’m always lamenting the lack of epic fantasy/sci-fi/horror movies where aside from massive effects and action, there exists a solid core of a story. Beowulf definitely met expectations in that regard. You don’t have to pay extra for the 3-D, as I believe that most theaters are showing it in normal film-mode (whatever you would call that). It’s definitely a gimmick, although one I consider kind of cool and fun, but regardless of how you catch it, it’s a good flick

I watched “The Call of Cthulhu” last night and as a life-long fan of H.P. Lovecraft fiction and the Cthulhu mythos in general, I was pretty pleased with it. At 47 minutes, the black and white silent film, (complete with musical score, artificial scratches and old-style makeup to give it a fairly convincing “pre-talkie” look) follows the the original work of fiction closely. There’s no CGI, instead relying on sets, models and stop-motion animation in the spirit of Ray Harryhausen.

A man finds a manuscript found among the papers of a deceased relative that recounts an investigation into a strange idol, a cult that worships an ancient god from beyond the stars named Cthulhu—a member of a pantheon known as “Old Ones” and a strange island city, built by a long ago lost civilization and the horror that lies there sleeping.

I’ve read the original short story (along with all the other Lovecraft fiction that I could get my hands on) many times over since I was young kid. To see a movie that really tries to capture the mood, follows the plot and generally really tries to pay homage to what makes it such great fiction in the first place is a great thing. I’ve seen a lot of bullshit films based on Lovecraft fiction. This one’s a keeper.

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!!!

This morning, I checked out Netflix’s new Video-On-Demand (log-in required) service and find myself fully and completely hating it. It’s a joke, except I’m not laughing.

What would have been an awesome service for me, a paying customer is completely useless. To use this service they call “Instant Watching”, I must use Windows XP or Vista, Internet Explorer 6+ and Windows Media Player. I’m not surprised that support for Linux is non-existent, but what about Mac?

This is a service I would have like to be able to use. I do have a Windows partition I could boot, but I’m not going to. I never use it. It’s a hassle. No. Windows sucks. Internet Explorer… forget it. I use Linux. No support for it? Fine, I’m used to that, but what about this nice, huge-screen G5 Mac sitting in my living room? This is what they tell me:

Your system is not compatible with instant viewing
Your computer’s operating system is not compatible with instant viewing.

Try again from a computer running Windows XP Service Pack 2 or Windows Vista.

To watch instantly, you need a computer with the following configuration:
Minimum Requirements

• Computer running Windows XP with Service Pack 2 or higher, or Windows Vista
• Internet Explorer version 6 or higher
• Windows Media Player version 9 or higher
• An active broadband connection to the Internet
• 1.0 GHz processor
• 512 MB RAM
• 3 GB free hard disk drive space

Recommended in addition to minimum requirements

• An active broadband Internet connection of at least 1.5 Mbps
• 1.5 GHz processor
• 1 GB RAM

There’s no love for anything but Windows and I call foul. Microsoft DRM is buggy bullshit and I don’t understand the point of having it in the first place. Yes, doing a bit of work, a person can record streaming media to disk and share it, but honestly, that same person can just rip the DVDs that Netflix sends out in the mail, possibly with better results. Slapping DRM around it and limiting use to one operating system is a joke. It excludes customers and creates an unnecessary hassle.

I hope this changes, but I doubt it. I’m really disappointed in Netflix. This is not a “service”, it’s an embarrassment. If this is the way they plan on doing things, they’re no better than Walmart and they can kiss my ass.

I generally dislike watching movies on a computer. I also have a netflix account and hardly ever feel an urge to just have to see a movie as soon as possible. I also am not the type to collect films. Once is usually enough for me. So, as far as downloading movie torrents—I don’t really see a need or point (other than making a statement) in my case. However, I think the new Oscartorrents site from those heroes in Sweden, thepiratebay.org is a very cool idea.

The site’s purpose is to provide links to torrent files for this year’s Oscar nominated films and actors as well as a voting system for viewers to decide who should win in the various Oscar categories. As the results roll in from the “official” Oscar show, the decisions of the pirate masses will be posted on the site alongside whom Hollywood should deem deserving to be the winners.

As a further snub to the Hollywood machine, they posted this little gem of a “fuck you”:

“To all intellectual property landlords: we are aware that OscarTorrents might annoy you — but contain your righteous indignation for a while, and think: we’re only linking to torrents that already exist. Face it: your membrane has burst, and it wasn’t us who burst it. Your precious bodily fluids are escaping.”

“You haven’t beaten us, so why not join us? Think of a new business model that doesn’t involve overpriced pieces of plastic and skanky cinemas hawking cheap carbohydrates while relying on $6/hr projectionists who can’t keep a film in focus — not to mention insulting your audiences by (to pick a few examples) surveilling us with nightvision glasses, searching bags, 30 minutes of commercials and bombarding us with ridiculous anti-piracy propaganda. Take a look at yourselves. Is it really any wonder we’re winning?”

I think it’s brilliant.

I’ve always hated the Ali-G character and more or less disliked everything else that Sascha Baron Cohen did with his old HBO show. However, I suck it all up and admit that the movie “Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan” is without a doubt the funniest movie I’ve seen in several years (I think “Team America: World Police” was the last time I laughed so hard in a theater). My strong suggestion is to get yourself to a theater, see it and burst an organ or two in laughter while simultaneously cringing at the utter horror that is America’s Caucasian trash.

It’s a good goddamn flick.

The number one summer movie five years from now?

Snakes On A Motherfucking World Trade Center

I’m just saying…

I am easily distracted by noise. Specifically, eating noises. From crisp, crunchy, staccato sounds of potato chips and crackling of cellophane packaging to the moist and mushy mastication of smooshy cupcakes and confections—I am rendered unable to concentrate on anything other than the noises generated from eating. They grab my unwilling attention at the expense of anything I may have been trying to apply my attention to and drive me to a near-murderous fit of irritation.

This is most problematic whenever I go to a movie theater. Truth told, at my advanced and geriatric age of thirty, I’ve near completely sworn off movie theaters, preferring to netflix everything and watch films from the comfort of my apartment of doom—doors locked, shades drawn and shotgun loaded. However, there are some films that beg to be seen in the theater. I’m referring to the big, special-effects laden behemoths like Star Wars or, most recently, King Kong. For a rare film such as this, I’ll deign to mingle with the circus and the plebs, but honestly, it’s not worth it. I pay eleven bucks to sit in a room with a bunch of walleyed, cud-chewing beasts who sit there all bloated with one hand supplying a steady stream of junk food, while the other hand fields phone calls and text messages. From that first crunch, that smack of the lip, the bleep of a 50 Cent ringtone, or blatant “What’s poppin’? Oh no he didn’t!” of a cell phone call—it’s over and I might as well go home. I can no longer focus on anything in the film, my mind suddenly taken hostage by these loathsome human noises. I’ve essentially paid eleven bucks to be serenaded by the music of hippos grazing because no matter how hard I try, I can’t avoid focusing on these sounds.

At times I suspect a conspiracy against me, being that the main food export of movie theaters is popcorn, the bane of my sanity. Sitting amongst the buffalo and cattle as they feed their faces kernel after maddening kernel incites near-epic violent urges.

I want to grab the bag of doritos from the asshole next to me, flinging them like shuriken into the eyes of these corpulent cockroaches. I want to drop hand grenades into these fuckwad’s super-sized soft drinks. I want to carve out their eyes and replace them with artificially buttered popcorn and wear their shrunken heads about my neck as a warning to others about to pop open that next box of Mike & Ikes.

With these sad facts in mind, I’m sure you can see how excited I was upon learning that Steven Soderbergh’s new film, “Bubble” is being released simultaneously in theaters, DVD, pay-per-view and some premium cable channels. I’ve always believed that if films were made available on pay-per-view or any other format immediately upon first release, I would gladly pay for it. If the average theater ticket is ten to eleven dollars, I’d happily pay fifteen to twenty for the ability to stay at home and watch it. Movie theaters should be relegated to the stigma of cheap seats at the opera. Those willing or able to pay should have the option of staying home without being penalized by having to wait months for the DVD to arrive. It’s absolutely ass-backwards the way movie releases are handled now.

Movie theater corporations believe that they have a divine right to hold films hostage for a set amount of time before releasing them to any other medium so that they can make their money. They feel that since they came first, they deserve special and exclusive treatment. This just flies in the face of all things right and sensible, in my opinion. They force this release method to be the norm so that they can stay in business, because if everything followed Soderbergh’s release method, the theater industry would tank faster than saying “Ishtar” five times fast because they suck Attila the Hun’s nut-sack. They rely on you being forced to use them to see films so that they don’t have to compete. They don’t feel that they need to be clean, civilized and worth the money you pay. In the sensible world of natural selection, these would mix together to form a recipe for an industry just begging to be phased out but they work hard to make sure you don’t get that chance.

I’m not the only person who eschews theaters in favor of home systems and DVDs. By not catering to my preferences and instead kow-towing to theater groups, movie industries are losing money. Did I not mention that I would pay more—practically the price of purchasing a DVD in a store, for the ability to see first run films in my living room? There will always be some asshole that’s willing to wait four hours in line for a chance to sit in a movie theater on opening day, but not this asshole. Don’t you want my money too? If not, then does that mean it’s okay for me to steal your films via P2P? I mean, here I am, offering a legal and lucrative option for delivering your schlock to my optic nerve. Don’t pass on it and then run about decrying those who download movies on the sly. The niche is more than there, it’s screaming to be filled.

Last night I watched King Kong. I’ve read a lot of reviews calling it the best movie of the year — some practically drooling over the film. Maybe it’s something they’re smoking or perhaps it’s an all around dumbing of the senses from having a career reviewing American mainstream films, but I found the flick to be a serious steaming pile of shit, much like something a 25 foot tall gorilla might excrete and then fling in protest at having been subjected to such lame drivel.

As you may already have been warned, the movie is about three hours long. The first hour is a tortuous drag of unconvincing stage sets, bad acting and even worse dialog. I’m talking about lines so shitty, I was tempted to rupture my eardrums with my house keys to avoid listening to it and only the knowledge that according to everything I read, the movie was going to get better if I could just survive till the island scenes kept me seated when normally I definitely would have walked out.

King Kong does have some good points to it. Once the ape appears and the action kicked in, I found myself thinking of that much abused cliché that critics use when praising such films — a rollercoaster ride. For once, I think it’s an appropriate analogy. The effects are the best I think I’ve ever seen and the action choreography (primarily involving CGI characters) is mind-boggling. On these merits, I think the movie is worth seeing in the theater, especially to get the full effect from the sound. Kong makes some pretty bad-ass noise.

The other positive thing that struck me later, after leaving the theater was that at no point in the film did I look at Kong and think of him as a CGI animation. His movements, expressions, detail and above all, sounds were utterly convincing. I didn’t see the result of many hours of wireframe animation and texture-mapping. I saw a solid, real character, interacting flawlessly with real-life actors. Think Gollum to the third power.

But all this seat-of-your-pants action can’t make a three hour movie bearable, especially when more than half of it is dialog and not involving apes, dinosaurs and giant insects. The acting is just terrible. Jack Black is almost embarrassing to watch and Naomi Watts was straight-up retarded. As usual, I felt myself wanting to magically leap into the film and kick the living shit out of Adrien Brody, mainly just for being who he is. He has the kind of face that make me want to disfigure it.

The lines are at times so lousy, as to be laughable when it’s obvious that the intended response was supposed to be tears. It’s a brainless, Bazooka gum wrapper script. In my opinion, things would’ve have been much better if they cut it all out and just showed me an hour and a half of Kong kicking the shit out off stuff.

If you’re going to see it, see it in the theaters, but show up about an hour and twenty minutes late. You’ll save yourself a lot of mind-numbing moments and save yourself from feeling too cheated after you get out all stiff-legged from sitting too long.

It’s possible that I’m being a bit too nit-picky, but the one thing that really bothers me now that I think back on what I saw was this: The movie is about a twenty-five foot tall gorilla. He’s real looking, running around, bellowing and ripping the tongues out of big, mean dinosaurs, yet he has no genitals.

If he’s twenty-five feet, there should be something like a five-foot johnson, swaying in the wind. His balls alone should be knocking down small trees, but for some reason, they’re just not there. WTF? Is he a eunuch? Does this explain why he’s the only ape on the island? Is this why he’s so pissed off all the time? I’d be pretty mad, if I were him.