Oooo! Another question! This one’s a bit dicey, but I’ll answer it anyway because I’m down for the fucking cause!

Q:

Dear daveb,

Who came up with the idea of oral sex?

A: Do your parents know you’re reading this site? Shit. Okay, I’ll answer this, but if cops kick down my door for contributing to your delinquency, I’m going to go apeshit.

Oral sex dates back hundreds, perhaps thousands of years and is present in the sexual subculture of many diverse groups and societies. Popular myth attributes the invention of oral sex to a man named Big Willy Johnson. Big Willy is believed to have lived in ancient Persia (now known as Iran) around the same time as the prophet Zoroaster, which would be somewhere in the ballpark of 1,000 BC.

Legend has it that Big Willy came upon the idea while seeking shelter with his camel during a sandstorm. Upon spying a cave in a hillside nearby, he quickly moved himself and his beast inside and set about trying to make a fire, intending to sit out the storm and spend the night.

Inside the cave, partially buried under some debris in the back, was a large jar of the kind commonly used to store olive oil. The jar was still sealed and out of either boredom, curiosity or a deep desire for olive oil that overrode the possibilty that it could very well be some rancid stanky shit having sat there so long, Big Willy cracked that bitch open.

It’s at this point that several ancient texts seem to disagree, but the most common version of the story tells that upon opening the jar, a jinn escaped and flew into his camel.

The animal, possessed by this desert spirit, spoke to Big Willy. “Thou shalt debase thyself and suckle the camel’s dong, lest ye be afflicted with a pox and thine limbs shall wither and all who meet ye shall turn away in disgust.”, said the demon.

Big Willy, never one to fuck with the supernatural, was deeply afraid and did as he was told. History doesn’t record how long Big Willy Johnson was held there in the cave, sucking camel dick, but at some point, probably sunrise or something, the evil jinn offered to let him go.

Much to the jinn’s surprise, Big Willy didn’t want to stop. He loved eating that camel shlong. Seriously, he was all about it. After a few more hours, Big Willy finally realized that there was no reason he couldn’t leave with his camel and do it elsewhere, so he packed up his shit and went home where he spread his new-found hobby amongst his town and the rest is history.

So there you have it kids. Most people don’t make a habit of eating camel dick, but hey, it’s gotta start somewhere.

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