About four months ago, when my two cats first came home from the city animal shelter, both of the fuzzy little fuckers became sick, sneezing and coughing up shit everywhere. When a veterinarian looked them over, he pronounced them as both having the feline herpes virus , assured me that they would both be fine and proscribed each a bottle of antibiotics.

Now before you start making assumptions that could get me arrested or my little buddies taken away, I had nothing to do with this infection. I used a condom every single time, I swear.

Just kidding…kinda.

When the vet told me this, naturally I began to make excuses about age of consent, my lost childhood and the fact that I was the product of a broken home, etc. The doctor assured me that the virus doesn’t affect humans and that a good 95% of shelter cats carry it, some never exhibiting any symptoms. Outbreaks are usually brought on by stress, such as a new cat in the mix, a change of address, getting molested by their owners (once again…kidding) or any other big change that alters their normal routines.

I noted all this information, went home, squirted some antibiotics down their throats and all was well until about a week ago when Gracie, the six year-old started spewing hunks of phlegm left and right, sitting around the apartment, loudly wheezing and chugging up great clots of lung butter. At times, I found myself tempted to take a pipe cleaner to her. It was pretty disgusting. I mean, who wants to get it on with a overactive walking lung booger? Even some Serious Barry White can’t remedy that one…d’oh, still kidding there, put the phone down.

A second trip to the vet found her to be in the throes of a pretty aggressive outbreak. The vet actually was able to open her mouth and show me a real, live herpes sore. There was no denying it. My fuzzy little buddy was a dirty little whore. I had been wondering what all those midnight phone calls and litter boxes stinking of Old Spice were about. I was about to demand a paternity test and haul her ass onto Springer but the doc managed to calm me down. He proscribed some more antibiotics along with daily doses of vitamins to bolster her immune system, seeing as she seems to be more susceptible to outbreaks, likely due to her age.

So, I’m back to holding her down while I squirt things down her throat. Read into that one all you want, I’m innocent, I swear.