So I’m now of the opinion that Michael Jackson is going to get off (the child molestation rap, that is). I really do think he’s got to be a pedophile, but the case against him sucks, big time. He’ll get off on reasonable doubt and high-tail it out of the country and hire new people to make damn sure his kiddie-humping tendencies never again come to light.

I really, really want to see him burn and while I’m no fan of pedophiles, the real motivation behind wanting to see the book thrown at him is that some day, I know that I will feel compelled to read the no-holds-barred biography, unauthorized by his estate that you just know is going to come out after he’s kicked the bucket. What can I say, I want it to be good. I want some action and several chapters of that freakball alien adjusting to prison life sounds awesome. So, fuck reasonable doubt, let’s throw the fucker in prison.

Better yet, let’s throw him in the slammer and make a reality show about it for television. I can just about guarantee that whichever station takes that leap will secure the highest ratings ever. “Michael Jackson’s Real World: Cellmates”, you heard it here first.

There’s some things about prison that are general knowledge. Little guys get raped by big guys and pedophiles generally end up dead or used as the general purpose sperm disposal unit for the entire cell block. Everyone knows this. Being the disgustingly rich media star that he is, Jackson would likely cool his heels in some sort of resort-prison, much like Martha Stewart’s recently served sentence, but I can’t help but wonder what glorious drama you’d get from throwing MJ into general population at a regular prison.

Possible imagined scenarios:

1. Jackson wins prisoners over with a blockbuster bout of moonwalking and spine-tingling renditions off “Beat it” and “Bad”. Forms paramilitary pop army and takes over the world.
2. After getting beat the fuck down upon arriving, Jackson throws himself into bodybuilding and hand to hand combat, effectively becoming the world’s deadliest gloved one. After assuming control of his cell block by crushing all oppostion single-handedly, Jackson maintains control for many years with a “Hee-hee-hee” and the occasional vibrating palm of death.
3. Jackson is adopted by the Aryan Brotherhood, gets shaved, tattooed, grows a Hitler moustache and later on is unmasked as the Antichrist.
4. Jackson becomes the multipurpose fucktool for anyone with the most cigarettes. Much lipstick, dropped soap, laughter, tears and stiches ensue.

The list could go on. You see, he really needs to go to jail. It’s just too good.