To say that being hung, drawn and quartered was a sucky experience is an understatement akin to describing Liberace as just a teeny bit gay. It was a horrible way to exit life, reserved for traitors to the state or crown and other serious crimes that required the authorities to put a dude down in such a wretched way that no one could question as to whether they were serious about punishing a crime. This was some hardcore not-fucking-around shit.

If you were unlucky enough to earn yourself such an delightful treatment, you were strapped to a wooden frame and dragged by horse to the place of execution. You were then hung by the neck in what’s called the “short drop” method. An example of this would be standing someone on a stool, a cart or the back of a horse. A rope is then put around their neck and whatever they are standing or sitting on is removed from under them, resulting in strangulation with very little or no body drop or neck breakage. This was ideal, since the condemned needed to be kept alive for as long as possible. Once hung, they were carefully observed and taken down before death ensued. The prisoner was then taken to the quartering table and strapped down. If they were unconscious. they were awakened with some cold water. After the poor bastard was in a a suitable state of alertness, he was treated to the thrilling experience of having his genitals removed. As if that wasn’t enough excitement, a large incision was made across the lower abdomen and the intestines slowly pulled out with the aid of a contraption similar to a dough roller since they were usually too slippery to be removed by hand. The organs, including the genitalia were then burnt before the eyes of the condemned (although how you manage to stay conscious or not just keel straight over from the shock and pain alone is beyond me). Last but not least, poor guy was decapitated and the body chopped into four pieces. The head was usually put on display somewhere conspicuous and the remaining pieces were disposed of, often in different locations.

You know you fucked up when the law of the land wants to do something like that to you.

Another method, used by the French would entail torture with red-hot tongs. Then, the hand which had been used to commit the crime (usually regicide) would be burnt with sulfur and molten lead followed by wax and boiling oil being poured into the wounds. The prisoner’s limbs would be tied to horses, who would then be whipped into running, subsequently tearing the man to pieces. Finally, for the cherry to top it all off, the torso would be burnt. Often the dude was still alive (barely) for this last bit.

Samuel Pepys, who witnessed the quartering of Thomas Harrison, had this to say of the event:

“I went out to Charing Cross, to see Major-general Harrison hanged, drawn, and quartered; which was done there, he looking as cheerful as any man could do in that condition.”

Pretty funny.