A question from Israel:

Liron wrote:

Q:

Dear dave,

I have a small colony of arctic penguins living under my bed. Every morning, they braid my hair and fry me eggs for breakfast. They say that they are preparing me to be nice, pretty and plump for sacrifice to the King Penguin.
What should I do?

Respects,
Liron

A: Well, let’s see [backs away quietly, making no sudden movements], I guess the main thing to do is take your medication…

Just kidding. Every question to daveb is a serious question. Daveb knows all! Never fear O’ braided and egg-smeared chickie-monkey, daveb is here for you!

You may or may not be aware (I’m assuming from your question that you are) of my issues with penguins. It’s true, I have had quasi-erotic dreams involving them. I’m not ashamed. It’s perfectly fine. I run Linux, it’s probably got something to do with that. No reason to call the police.

Since you claim to be in imminent peril of being eaten (assuming you’ve reached the requisite plumpness), I took your question very seriously. I needed to consult a higher power. I needed to talk to my “Spirit Penguin”.

Some people are in touch with their animal totems, be they birds, lions, bears, turtles. My spirit totem is a partially shaved obese emperor penguin with a ridge of rainbow feathers down his back. I often see him slouching about, eating fritos and belching whole sentences in Portuguese. He’s one fucked up puppy.

So, in order to prepare myself I fasted for a whole twenty minutes and climbed the highest point possible, which was the roof of my apartment building here in Brooklyn (you can’t expect me to go mountain climbing. I’m delicate, you know) and proceeded to meditate on my spirit penguin, calling out to him. Finally, after rubbing my armpits with vegetable shortening, he arrived.

I posed your question to him. After some thoughtful shuffling and crunching of deep-fried corn products, he looked me in the eyes and gave me the answer:

Titties and beer.

I know, you’re probably a bit doubtful about this and believe me, so was I. Rather than steer you wrong, I hopped down to bodega and picked up a couple 40’s and ran back to the roof. I offered the malt beverages to my penguin and he went right for them. As soon as I noticed that his Portuguese belches were starting to slur and get repetitive, I quickly tore off my shirt and ribbed my hairy man-nipples in his face.

He ran away honking and screeching like a bitch.

Good luck.

[Ask daveb anything! Either use this form or send an email to webmaster [at] davebgimp [dot] com with “Ask daveb” as the subject line. Remember, daveb knows all!]

BenG200Q writes:

Q:

Dear daveb,

Where’s the beef?

A: Chugwater, Wyoming. Ask for Pilar. Slip her fifty bucks and tell her El Guapo sent you. Pay no attention to the midget with the tinfoil underpants and under no circumstances should you eat the guacamole. I’d also advise you keep a roll of duct-tape, a large plastic drop-cloth, some latex gloves and a large bottle of bleach handy.

[Ask daveb anything! Either use this form or send an email to webmaster [at] davebgimp [dot] com with “Ask daveb” as the subject line. Remember, daveb knows all!]

Q:

Dear daveb,

How can I raise $150,000 to buy this two headed albino snake? I think it would taste delicious.

<3 gwennie

A: You’d think it’d be a tough task, right? I mean, that’s a pretty good chunk of change. Why you’d want to spend that amount of money to eat a mutant snake, I’ve no idea. Personally, while I would definitely eat the little fucker, I’d balk at having to pay anything over twenty bucks. Call me cheap, but that’s how I roll.

Anyway, so how are you going to pay for this two-headed genetic wonder? Shit, you gotta feed your seeds, yo. You gotta put that deep-fried two-headed bucket o’ snake on the table or social services gonna come haul your kids away for starving ‘em and shit. This is serious!

Alright, calm down. Daveb’s here with the answer. What I suggest you do is get a second job. Taco Bell, CFO of a bank, whatever you can get, just make that paycheck. Once you got some cash, click the button found on the lower right-hand side of davebgimp.com marked “PayPal: Donate”

It’s your ticket to financial freedom and the ability to eat two-headed snakes! Plus, it cures acne, promotes overall gastric well-being and makes people like you!

Use the link to send mee all your new-found cash. I will use it to become filthy fucking rich and when I die, which could be any day now, I will leave you everything and then you can munch away on two-headed snakes to your withered heart’s content. Do it. Do it now.

[Ask daveb anything! Either use this form or send an email to webmaster [at] davebgimp [dot] com with “Ask daveb” as the subject line. Remember, daveb knows all!]

I thought I was emotionally scarred by school, but up against this guy’s query, I’m starting to questions that. I traced this guy’s IP address to NJ. Why all my nastiest questions seem to come from that state, I’ll make no guesses, but you New Jersey people are some fucked up puppies.

dano wrote:

Q:

Is it true that my high school english teacher used to sexually stimulate herself by putting tuna fish in her vagina and then having her cats eat it?

A: My first reaction to your question was “mmm…tuna” , followed by a “Wait…what? Whoa!” and as I now write this post, I’ll admit that I’m eating a tuna-melt on whole wheat and my faithful cat George is staring at me with a look of near mutiny. Such is the power of canned fish.

In answer to your question, of course she did. Who wouldn’t? It’s tuna, fer’ chrissakes. That’s it’s primary purpose on Spaceship Earth. Shoving tuna into vaginas to feed pets is as American as apple pie not to mention a wonderful bonding experience for you and your furry little buddy. I recommend you run right home and try it yourself. If you don’t have a vagina, get one.

I think the real question here is whether the tuna was dolphin-safe. I mean, if it wasn’t…that’s fucked up.

[Ask daveb anything! Either use this form or send an email to webmaster [at] davebgimp [dot] com with “Ask daveb” as the subject line. Remember, daveb knows all!]

If this keeps up and questions keep rolling in like they are now, I’m going to have my year cut out for me. Here we go…

Q:

Dear davebgimp.com,

What is the definition of a bi-monthly?

Sincerely,

TL

A: That’s actually a pretty good question. Honestly, in this day and age… you could’ve Googled it, but hey, it’s cool. The term bi-monthly has always pissed me off since it has two potentially confusing and misleading definitions. My last job was working on a bi-monthly and currently, I work on five publications, all bi-monthlies but some according to one definition and the rest using the other. Fucking annoying.

According to dictionary.reference.com, a bimonthly can be defined as:

bi·month·ly
adj.

1. Happening every two months.
2. Happening twice a month; semimonthly.

adv.

1. Once every two months.
2. Twice a month; semimonthly.

So you have a word that can mean something occurs twice a month, yet at the same time can mean that same something happens every two months. Maddening.

Words that make it necessary to clarify their meaning each time they are used do not strike me as particularly intelligent. Saying something like, “I only give birth to gerbils bi-monthly” means absolute shit. All you know is that I pop out the furry bastards at some point, maybe twice a month or possibly every two months, which means you have to pull a “Huh? Wha’?” and I have to explain to you that I enjoy inserting the small, furry and wriggly mammels up my ass twice a month, every other Wednesday actually, right after Law & Order so I can brighten my bitter and twisted life ever so slightly for a least a couple hours before I have to let them out and hit the sack so that I’m rested enough to run this blog in such a cheery and peppy manner. Fuck all of you. Die.

Just kidding…kinda. ;)
[Ask daveb anything! Either use this form or send an email to webmaster [at] davebgimp [dot] com with “Ask daveb” as the subject line. Remember, daveb knows all!]

Jesus bleedin’ nuts! I’ve got reader-submitted questions coming out of my ears. I’ve had to backlog a few, so don’t worry, I’ll get to you. This next question is right up my alley.

Clutch wrote:
Q:

Here’s a question that may actually be within your realm of experience; I have a bunch of images I’d like to resize, smaller, for uploading. Is there an easy way to do this to many images at once, say, in photoshop? Or perhaps another, preferably free application I could get my grubby little hands on? Thank you, oh wise and gratuitous davebgimp!

A: Easy as your mom! I’m going to answer this a bit backwards by first addressing the issue of software. Yes, you can do this in PhotoShop or the slightly neutered and cheaper PhotoShop Elements. PhotoShop’s a great program. I use it daily at work, but it costs an ass-load so most people end up pimping out Grandma to buy it or they steal it. Personally, I think that for most users, especially those who are working primarily in an RGB (red, green and blue) color space — web publishing for example, it’s not necessary.

Another option is to take the free route. There’s a few more steps involved but it costs several hundred dollars less… actually it costs nothing. There’s an Open Source, free image editing alternative called GIMP, which stands for GNU Image Manipulation Program. It’s available cross platform, so is accessible to anyone. I use it at home on Linux and having used PhotoShop professionally and otherwise for the past six or so years, I find it meets and exceeds all my home-use needs. Experienced PhotoShop users making the switch might get a bit annoyed at first, as I did, at the learning curve involved. I chalk it up to the fact of using one program exclusively for so long and getting used to the tricks and shortcuts and then trying out a new application with different tools, names and ways to get things done. But once I got past this (it was a quick transition), I found myself impressed and not missing much. If you’re new to either program, I highly doubt you will share this temporary and arguably unnecessary frustration.

The GIMP does have limitations in it’s lack of CMYK (Cyan, Magenta, Yellow and Black - a color space normally used with professional printing and presses) support and a rather huge learning curve if you want to install some plug-ins and know nothing about compiling from source code. Unless, you’re designing for print on a professional scale, you won’t be missing the CMYK support though. I have heard that there’s a CMYK plug-in available, but as of the latest version, the color space is not natively supported. No biggie for me or you other average home users. As far as having to compile programs for GIMP plug-ins, if you’re using Linux, you either know how to do this, or could stand to learn for your own good.

You should at least check out the GIMP. Since it’s free, you don’t have the problem of shelling out for a program that updated with a new version almost yearly (which means more $$$ or more pirating if you want to keep up with the latest). GIMP will always be free of charge and there’s plenty of documentation, tutorials and communities to help you get the hang of it, or you can always ask daveb.

Now, on to the first half of your question. I’ll explain how to do batch resizing with both PhotoShop and the the no-cost method. Let’s start with PhotoShop.

(more…)

Oooo! Another question! This one’s a bit dicey, but I’ll answer it anyway because I’m down for the fucking cause!

Q:

Dear daveb,

Who came up with the idea of oral sex?

A: Do your parents know you’re reading this site? Shit. Okay, I’ll answer this, but if cops kick down my door for contributing to your delinquency, I’m going to go apeshit.

Oral sex dates back hundreds, perhaps thousands of years and is present in the sexual subculture of many diverse groups and societies. Popular myth attributes the invention of oral sex to a man named Big Willy Johnson. Big Willy is believed to have lived in ancient Persia (now known as Iran) around the same time as the prophet Zoroaster, which would be somewhere in the ballpark of 1,000 BC.

Legend has it that Big Willy came upon the idea while seeking shelter with his camel during a sandstorm. Upon spying a cave in a hillside nearby, he quickly moved himself and his beast inside and set about trying to make a fire, intending to sit out the storm and spend the night.

Inside the cave, partially buried under some debris in the back, was a large jar of the kind commonly used to store olive oil. The jar was still sealed and out of either boredom, curiosity or a deep desire for olive oil that overrode the possibilty that it could very well be some rancid stanky shit having sat there so long, Big Willy cracked that bitch open.

It’s at this point that several ancient texts seem to disagree, but the most common version of the story tells that upon opening the jar, a jinn escaped and flew into his camel.

The animal, possessed by this desert spirit, spoke to Big Willy. “Thou shalt debase thyself and suckle the camel’s dong, lest ye be afflicted with a pox and thine limbs shall wither and all who meet ye shall turn away in disgust.”, said the demon.

Big Willy, never one to fuck with the supernatural, was deeply afraid and did as he was told. History doesn’t record how long Big Willy Johnson was held there in the cave, sucking camel dick, but at some point, probably sunrise or something, the evil jinn offered to let him go.

Much to the jinn’s surprise, Big Willy didn’t want to stop. He loved eating that camel shlong. Seriously, he was all about it. After a few more hours, Big Willy finally realized that there was no reason he couldn’t leave with his camel and do it elsewhere, so he packed up his shit and went home where he spread his new-found hobby amongst his town and the rest is history.

So there you have it kids. Most people don’t make a habit of eating camel dick, but hey, it’s gotta start somewhere.

[Ask daveb anything! Either use this form or send an email to webmaster [at] davebgimp [dot] com with “Ask daveb” as the subject line. Remember, daveb knows all!]

Bang! Zoom! The very first “Ask daveb!” question has arrived!

Totally-Taco-TOnii from Jersey asks:

Q:

Dear daveb,

What happens when you die… and shit like that?

Ps. This is actually from my roomate.

TOnii

A: Well TOnii, that’s quite a brainsqueeze of a question. Mere humans may balk when faced with such a task as answering such a daunting query, but not daveb. Daveb rules!

There’s a fucking fecal cornucopia of cultures, religions and semi-coherent belief systems out there. Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Muslims and so many others all have their opinions. It’s a big place, this Spaceship Earth. So, who’s right and who’s got their head up the cosmic donkey’s ass? Get ready. Are you sitting down? Everyone. They’re all wrong. Seriously. No lie. So where do we go when we die? Does anyone know?

You bet your ass someone knows. Daveb rules! He knows everything and since you asked nicely, he will learn you something big, so stop fucking around, sit straight and pay attention because you’re about to hear the truth, straight from the Pope’s colon polyp.

When you die, your soul doesn’t leave the Earth. In fact, it goes to a really fucking fat guy with clammy hands named Earl who lives in Fort Dick, California and has been doing the whole afterlife thing on the side as a hobby. The rest of the time, he sells rubber industrial O-rings to factories. I told you that you’d be better off sitting down.

Earl (last name withheld for privacy) started collecting the souls of the dead as a young man, fresh from the Korean war. The idea came to him one evening while teaching his four year-old son to catch fireflies with mason jars in the backyard and while originally started as something to pass the time, Earl’s afterlife has grown to quite the cottage industry.

Earl’s first setup was a five gallon paint bucket behind the garage and today has expanded to fill the entire garage, a toolshed and several Hefty trash bins. Most recently, Earl has begun working on an addition to the house which he hopes to house all the souls of the dead and perhaps create Fort Dick’s first and only tourist attraction.

So there you go TOnii, question answered. Keep ‘em coming people!

[Ask daveb anything! Either use this form or send an email to webmaster [at] davebgimp [dot] com with “Ask daveb” as the subject line. Remember, daveb knows all!]

In an effort to keep from falling asleep maintaining my own website, I’ve been thinking (and thunking) of different things to do, smell, fondle and roll around in. Don’t say I never did nothin’ fer youse slobs.

One of the many criticisms I’ve endured on this wretched and slightly moist journey on spaceship earth is that I’m a full-of-shit-know-it-all. I know everything and if I don’t, I’ll fucking make it up and deliver it so convincingly, you might as well swallow it as truth, straight from the nun’s ass. I am a fountain of fact, hear me spurt, watch me sputter.

So with this torrid truth in mind and at heart, a thought occured to my little, old, gnome-like self. Wouldn’t it be just peachy keen to start a question and answer section, O brilliant and infallible one?

The answer, of course, was a resounding “Motherfucking right! You are a monkey-humping gen-u-ine genius, daveb!” While it’s never a great idea to engage in screaming dialogs with one’s self while in a public setting such as the office, it seems like a good idea and I’m going to roll with it.

If you have a question, a problem or issue that bedevils your mind, crusts your brain-stem and has you twisting and sweating up the bedsheets in the wee hours of the morning, daveb is your man. Be it a question of love, who killed Kennedy, or who the fuck is Keyser Soze, just ask daveb and he’ll clue your punk ass in.

You can submit questions to daveb here or you can email webmaster [at] davebgimp [dot] com with “Ask daveb” as the subject line. Citizens of Spaceship Earth, fear not! Your questions will be answered!