This morning, I’ve been reading about Xipe Totec, the flayed god of the Aztecs. Presiding over disease, the seasons, agriculture, goldsmiths and a few other things, Xipe Totec flayed his skin to bring food to the people, symbolic of a maize seed, shedding it’s outer layer prior to germination. Naturally, he is often depicted as not having any skin, or as wearing skin like a mask and clothing (check here and here. Note the flayed skin from the hands, hanging off his arms). Sweet. Some interesting points concerning sacrifice to “Our Lord, the Flayed One”:

“Annually, slaves were selected as sacrifices to Xipe Totec. These slaves were carefully flayed to produce a nearly whole skin which was then worn by the priests during the fertility rituals that followed the sacrifice. Some accounts indicate that a thigh bone from the sacrifice was defleshed and used by the priest to touch spectators in a fertility blessing. Paintings and several clay figures have been found which illustrate the flaying method and the appearance of priests wearing flayed skins.” [Link]

“Xipe Totec is drawn as a large figure wearing human skin from another person, symbolizing the “new skin” the earth wears every spring. The skin usually has an incision where the heart was removed, ties in the back to hold it on, and no penis. Statues of Xipe Totec may have at one time had outfits made from human skin, but as they are they are immediately recognizable by the puffy skin, double lips, and exceptionally sunken eyes, all designed to mimic a figure wearing someone else’s skin.” [Link]

“During Tlacaxipehualiztli (“Flaying of Men”), the second ritual month of the Aztec year, the priests killed human victims by removing their hearts. They flayed the bodies and put on the skins, which were dyed yellow and called teocuitlaquemitl (“golden clothes”). Other victims were fastened to a frame and put to death with arrows; their blood dripping down was believed to symbolize the fertile spring rains.” [Link]

“A prisoner was taken in battle. Traditionally he was paraded around town by his captors and greeted and congratulated by the citizens, who gave him gifts of food and drink and fine clothing. After a period of celebration, the prisoner—this essential cog, after all, in the ordering of the universe that thus the crop might thrive—was taken to the temple, dosed with drugs, and skinned alive.”

“Semi-conscious from the drugs, bathed in incense, the victim was first scorched, presumably to separate the skin from the bone. Cuts were made around the neck, the arms, and the legs, and down the back so the skin could be ripped away from the body. The carcass, bloody Xipe Totec-red, was thrown over a ceremonial stone and the heart was cut out by the Youallauan, the high priest, who offered it to the gods. The skin, dyed yellow and called teocuitlaquemitl or “golden clothes”, was thereupon donned by the warrior who had originally taken the victim prisoner who then proceeded to dance feverishly, crying to heaven for new life and new strength. He wore a mask made from the victim’s face.”

“After a few days, the dead skin would dry up, crack and fall to pieces. It had of course begun to decompose, and the smell was considered disgusting but absolutely necessary, as the breaking of old skins must come to every seed of maize that had planted by the reverent tribe.” [Link]

Xipe Totec was worshipped for over 2,000 years. You gotta figure…that’s a lot of skin. Awesome.

I really want to visit the new Creation Museum [wiki]. Unfortunately, it’s in Kentucky and you couldn’t pay me to go to some fucked up place like that. Still, Creationists are head-up-the-ass retards and a museum dedicated to a serious display of such a ridiculous and pathetic theory deserves a good laugh.

Luckily, I came across this Flickr set where some brave individual forged deep into the bible-thumping, fat-head, Jesus-humpers and paid the museum a visit with their camera.

This photo of Eve and a velociraptor has to be my favorite. Fucking idiots.

The more I read the news, the more certain I am that religion is a disease. When it infects people with obvious pre-existing mental disorders, things like microwaving babies happen.

“A woman blames the devil, and not her husband, for severely burning their infant daughter in a microwave, a Texas television station reported.”

“Eva Marie Mauldin said Satan compelled her 19-year-old husband, Joshua Royce Mauldin, to microwave their daughter May 10 because the devil disapproved of Joshua’s efforts to become a preacher.”

Of course the baby had to nuked, Satan said so. Besides, the couple lives in Texas—people are fucked in the head about their Jesus down there.

Several months ago, I read a really fucked up article in Harper’s (an excellent magazine, by the way. Totally worth the dead trees) about the New Life Church and it’s leader, Pastor Ted Haggard. The article, which describes the rise, habits and history and controversy of the church as well as the modern evangelical movement in America blew my mind. I’d never really considered or been aware of the reality of a modern, Neo-Christian fascist movement. The people seemed brainless, their leaders seemed like oily thugs and the whole thing really disturbed me. Scary, bad people.

This morning, I read in the news that Pastor Ted was involved in a very lurid scandal involving the purchase and probable use of methamphetamine coupled with paid encounters over the last three years with a gay prostitute.

It’s like xmas in November. Seriously, somebody toss some confetti. Hail Satan!

Pastor Ted’s resigned from New Life Church and the Presidency of the NAE (over 30 million served!) as well making some admissions to buying meth but not using it and to hanging out with a male prostitute, but only getting a massage. Yeah… a massage—THAT’S the ticket!

Here’s a fun interview where he denies everything and tries to come across like such a good Christian. After that, enjoy some analysis of the voicemails of him calling the prostitute to order up some meth.

It really can’t get much sweeter than when a shit-filled, hate-bag like Pastor Ted gets outed as the hypocritical, meth-toking, reach-around-guy he is. The media is going to burn him alive. I for one, would like to melt s’mores off the flames.

The world is full of evil people, horrible things and bad endings. It’s really nice to know that every once in a while the planet rights itself and some good ol’ karmic justice is doled out. Life is very, very good.

So today may be Valentine’s Day, the world’s lamest holiday to throw money away on, but you may or may not know that this stupid-ass card and candy exchanging day was originally a replacement for a Roman holiday called Lupercalia.

To quote Wikipedia:

The religious ceremonies were directed by the Luperci, the “brothers of the wolf”, priests of Faunus, dressed only in a goatskin. During Lupercalia, a dog and two male goats were sacrificed. Two patrician youths were anointed with the blood, which was wiped off with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh. The Luperci afterwards dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats, in imitation of Lupercus, and ran round the Palatine Hill with straps, cut from the skins, in their hands. These were called Februa. Girls would line up on their route to receive lashes from these whips. This was supposed to ensure fertility.

Let’s see… You got goat killing, dog sacrificing and pouring blood over rich young men. There’s some dairy in the mix, nothing wrong with that… Next you’re dressing the bloody dudes in goat costumes, forcing them to laugh and smile while they whip young women with animal skin. Hmmm.

Now that sounds like a fucking holiday.

Why on earth are people still sending cards, buying flowers and [gags on vomit] going to church on this day, when you could be covered in blood, whipping some chick? Where the fuck have our values and priorities gone?

Big Jim writes:

Q:

Dear Daveb,

Is the Dalai Lama really His Holiness? And if so where does Jesus fit into the equation?

Confused in Alabama,

Mickey

A: Well, I suppose it depends on your definition of holiness. Are we talking cloud-parting, white light, chorus-singing, levitation holy or are we talking about self-flagellating, camel-hair sack wearing, bend-the-altar-boy-over, locust-eating holy? In either case…no, His Lama-ness is neither, but I guess if he had to be one of the two, I feel certain that he’d choose the first category.

But let’s forget that and focus on the jist of your question, which I’m guessing is something along the lines of, “Who’s spiritual nutsack carries more weight?”

I’m not a religious person in the slightest, but being the genius I am, I certainly feel qualified to answer. Listen up and take notes if you have to, because I’ll tell you right now, soldier… Jesus’s nuts hang mighty fucking low.

Nice guy that he is, Lama-dude’s shriveled little love-raisins cannot hold a candle to the sheer, sweaty God-bomb that is the nutsack of Christ. Jesus wears his robes for an actual purpose — to cover his nuts. He’d just bust a hole in his jeans otherwise.

China busted into Tibet and what did the Dalai Lama do? He sucked his balls into his body cavity and high-tailed it to India. When the Romans arrested Jesus, he didn’t bitch out. He was like “I am what I am” and they nailed his ass to a hunk of wood and that gnarly motherfucker took it like a pro.

Jesus would crush the Dalai Lama with his balls. Know this. He’d bitch slap his ass into next Tuesday. He’d get him into his signature Holy Trinity Headlock and shit would be over and done and Jesus would go off and bang the corpse of Mother Theresa just because he’s cold like that. For real. Holes in his hands and everything.

[Ask daveb anything! Either use this form or send an email to webmaster [at] davebgimp [dot] com with “Ask daveb” as the subject line. Remember, daveb knows all!]

Bang! Zoom! The very first “Ask daveb!” question has arrived!

Totally-Taco-TOnii from Jersey asks:

Q:

Dear daveb,

What happens when you die… and shit like that?

Ps. This is actually from my roomate.

TOnii

A: Well TOnii, that’s quite a brainsqueeze of a question. Mere humans may balk when faced with such a task as answering such a daunting query, but not daveb. Daveb rules!

There’s a fucking fecal cornucopia of cultures, religions and semi-coherent belief systems out there. Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Muslims and so many others all have their opinions. It’s a big place, this Spaceship Earth. So, who’s right and who’s got their head up the cosmic donkey’s ass? Get ready. Are you sitting down? Everyone. They’re all wrong. Seriously. No lie. So where do we go when we die? Does anyone know?

You bet your ass someone knows. Daveb rules! He knows everything and since you asked nicely, he will learn you something big, so stop fucking around, sit straight and pay attention because you’re about to hear the truth, straight from the Pope’s colon polyp.

When you die, your soul doesn’t leave the Earth. In fact, it goes to a really fucking fat guy with clammy hands named Earl who lives in Fort Dick, California and has been doing the whole afterlife thing on the side as a hobby. The rest of the time, he sells rubber industrial O-rings to factories. I told you that you’d be better off sitting down.

Earl (last name withheld for privacy) started collecting the souls of the dead as a young man, fresh from the Korean war. The idea came to him one evening while teaching his four year-old son to catch fireflies with mason jars in the backyard and while originally started as something to pass the time, Earl’s afterlife has grown to quite the cottage industry.

Earl’s first setup was a five gallon paint bucket behind the garage and today has expanded to fill the entire garage, a toolshed and several Hefty trash bins. Most recently, Earl has begun working on an addition to the house which he hopes to house all the souls of the dead and perhaps create Fort Dick’s first and only tourist attraction.

So there you go TOnii, question answered. Keep ‘em coming people!

[Ask daveb anything! Either use this form or send an email to webmaster [at] davebgimp [dot] com with “Ask daveb” as the subject line. Remember, daveb knows all!]