The more I read the news, the more certain I am that religion is a disease. When it infects people with obvious pre-existing mental disorders, things like microwaving babies happen.

“A woman blames the devil, and not her husband, for severely burning their infant daughter in a microwave, a Texas television station reported.”

“Eva Marie Mauldin said Satan compelled her 19-year-old husband, Joshua Royce Mauldin, to microwave their daughter May 10 because the devil disapproved of Joshua’s efforts to become a preacher.”

Of course the baby had to nuked, Satan said so. Besides, the couple lives in Texas—people are fucked in the head about their Jesus down there.

I was just reading this article about improper treatment of Gitmo prisoners and a little factoid jumped out at me:

“In a previously unreported allegation, one interrogator bragged to an FBI agent that he had forced a prisoner to listen to ‘Satanic black metal music for hours,’ then dressed as a Catholic priest before ‘baptizing’ him.“

I’d be very interested in knowing what music was used. What bands would be considered abusive to a Muslim inmate? I would have thought Christian Country/Western a better choice. It sure as shit would make me spill the beans after a couple hours of high volume exposure.

I love Black Metal to a near retarded degree. I like the music, the imagery and the ideals behind it. It’s depressing to hear that people are being abused with it. It’s wrong and it angers me. But, on a disassociated and aesthetic level—it kind of makes sense. I mean, it is Black Fucking Metal. Aural and psychic abuse is usually the general aim. Honestly the whole thing reads like a Black Metal video, the prison, the priest, everything.

Would this constitute good Black Metal media coverage?

Toni from New Jersey asks:

Q:

Where can I go to get my cat exorcised?

My cat is really freaky sometimes. For instance, everywhere I went in my apartment this morning, she was right there in front of me but I never saw her get up and move from one place to the other. I went to turn off the TV and she was on the window perch, then went to the kitchen and she was on top of the fridge, then to my room, there she was.. bathroom, right there on the counter. Plus her eyes are perfect circles and she can just stare at you for an hour with out flinching. Also, I’m pretty sure she can turn her head 360 degrees no problem.

A: Toni, I think you better be sitting down before you read much further, because I’ve got some news for you.

All cats are the slaves of Satan.

I have to say I’m a bit surprised that you’ve failed to pick up on this yet. I mean, dealing with your Satanic feline is soooo 2005. Welcome to the real world, Toni. You are the proud owner of furry and fanged beast, born in unholiness and owing all allegiance to an omnipotent worm, located in the metaphysical underworld, who is bent on eating your soul. Makes you want to just hug the fuzzy little fuckers silly, huh?

I vividly recall the first day I learned my cats were in fact dark servants of Lucifer. I awoke in the middle of the night one evening bothered by strange dreams. I arose and headed for the kitchen to get a glass of water. As I neared the living room, I noticed a low and guttural chanting noise that sounded strangely similar to Latin, but I dismissed it as someone’s car stereo coming from the street.

You can probably imagine my surprise when upon entering the living room, I found it lit by what seemed like hundreds of tiny candles. Standing in a chalk circle and surrounded by strange and esoteric symbols written on the floor, were my two cats, robed and hooded in black silk.

On what looked like a tiny version off a church altar that was positioned between them, there was a dead mouse, it’s blood seemingly drained and it’s entrails removed and arranged about the area in some dark and twisted pattern whose meaning was beyond my ability to comprehend.

Since that evening, my life has completely changed. I now know that I am not the proud owner of two cats, but rather the host to a demonic duo of parasitic doom-worshippers, who spend their days sleeping and their nights drinking mouse blood, chanting to Satan and perching on my chest, sucking out bits of my soul as I lie asleep in bed.

I live in sheer terror, naturally.

As to what advice I could give you, all I can say is—Run. Run fast. Run hard. Don’t look behind you and don’t stop running till your legs give out beneath you and when that happens, drag yourself further by your hands. Your immortal soul is in grave danger! No priest can help you. No exorcism can combat such insidious and maddening evil. There is no hope. All you can do is try to escape. It’s too late for me. Save yourself.

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Benedict XVI gets my vote as the single most evil looking Pope ever. It doesn’t matter what you do to dress this guy up nice, he’s still fucking satanic looking. Slap a Santa hat on the little bugger and he still looks like he’s shooting evil death rays out of his eyes, frying little non-believers where they stand. This is the kind of guy who makes babies cry. He’d probably make me cry too, if I bumped into him in a dark alley. He looks like the kind of guy that skull-fucks the corpses of small animals.